Priorities

I got an email last week from one of the vice presidents of BΔ--the sorority chapter I advise. C is one of the few seniors holding office this year and one that I know I can rely on, particularly dealing with the sensitive issues her office oversees. I can't tell you how discouraged I was when I saw that she wants to resign. But C has valid reasons--she has examined her priorities and realized she doesn't have the time and energy to do her job well. And while sometimes I might wish these chapter members put the chapter first, they are in college to be students and their sorority experience should enhance and not detract from that.

On Sunday night I was having dinner with my parents and my sister when my mom looked at my sister and said, "So, are you going to tell Angie about...?" Turns out my sister is taking this semester off. She realized that she likely wouldn't be successful finishing her major classes this semester b/c history is no longer the major for her. It has always been one of the most challenging majors she could choose and I am proud that she made it this far. I admire her for making this decision and handling it so maturely. I am not good at asking for help, so I don't think I could what she is doing. In her place I'd have likely stuck it with this semester and gotten myself kicked out of the history department.

All of this reminds me that my priorities are perhaps a little skewed right now and I haven't taken responsibility to fix it. There is no one else volunteering to fix my life, so I need to do that for myself. Hopefully developments will coming up in the next few weeks.

**And just a warning for my loyal readers, the school that I advise at starts classes next week, so more and more posts will likely deal with sorority-related topics. I'll try to keep it interesting for GDIs (non-Greeks) in the audience.

Top ten highlights from my Estes Park weekend

1. Coconut shrimp at Timberline

2. Watching The Wedding Planner and Return to Me

3. Ignoring my cell phone

4. Trying Southern Twist, the new liqueur from the makers of Southern Comfort

5. Playing with my new toy

6. Driving down the road and seeing elk laying in someone's front yard.

Elk as lawn ornaments--they posed nicely for my pictures. :)

7. Buying presents and getting presents (new earrings, yeah!)

8. Champagne brunch at the Other Side with a table by the lake

9. Seeing snow that fell on the mountains at the end of August

The view of Longs Peak from my grandmother's great room. Note the snow that fell on Friday night.

10. Staying up way too late talking with Mia

My tie to the Olympics

Two years ago I had just become the chair of the advisory team for the sorority chapter I advise. I was at the sorority house one night when the house director, also the membership adviser, came out of her room. She told me she'd just gotten a phone call from an alumna looking to volunteer for recruitment. This woman was a stay-at-home mom and looking to get some "grown up" time. She volunteered to help all three days of recruitment. When I finally met Arian, I discovered how great she was. Since then she has become the finance adviser and now she is a woman I'm proud to call sister.

Fast forward to Wednesday, Arian sends out an email generously volunteering to host a chapter budget meeting at her house, and just adds a couple lines to the end:
Be sure to watch NBC during primetime tonight--they'll be showing men's volleyball. Kevin is #14. Go USA!!
That's right--Arian's husband Kevin is in Athens right now playing on the US Olympic Team. I've met Kevin--he's a quiet but sweet guy and a great dad. Watching Olympic coverage is so much cooler when you know one of the competitors!

P.S. Word on the street is US Men's Volleyball will be on tonight in the first 2 hours of primetime. Tune in b/c now you know #14 too! Go USA!!
P.P.S. I've changed the above post-script b/c I realized that I was being spoilery. Darn tape delays. Watch for the US in a medal match on Sunday! (We're now spoiler free.)

Last night's mares

We were at my grandmother's house, three generations of Shackel women. It became dark outside and we headed in. My mom went out to get something and I heard her coming up the back walk. Something made me close the inner door before she got to the locked screen door. She knocked and then called out to me--letting me know by what she said that she wasn't alone and that something was wrong. I crept back to the living room to alert my sister and grandmother, trying desperately to figure out how to get out or where to hide.

Perhaps fortunately that's where I woke up. I did what you're supposed to when you awake from a nightmare--solve the problem. My now-wakened mind told my sister to call 911 and hide in the bathroom while I looked through the peephole to see if we could sneak out the front. Now partially satisfied, I fell back to sleep.

This time it was fire--something I'm truly frightened of. It started with tons of sirens and a huge explosion. Somehow, even in this dream, I went to sleep to escape it. When I woke up (in the dream), the light coming into my apartment was sooty and orange. My friends in the living room were glad I woke when I did--the airport had just reopened so we could get out because we were under mandatory evacuation order. I truly woke up as I was trying to figure out what to fit in my biggest suitcase as I left my apartment which would surely be destroyed.

Cool New Resources for Women Voters

Smart Women Election Tour: "Welcome to smartwomenvote.com, home of:
A nifty, new, nonpartisan election year initiative;
A grassroots small business/nonprofit partnership;
A virtual voter resource, tour headquarters & store;
A story of one woman electing to make a difference."

"Women's Voices. Women Vote is a project to determine how to increase the share of unmarried women in the electorate and develop a set of messages to motivate their participation. Historically, this group of citizens has been ignored by traditional voter registration and GOTV efforts. Yet, these women are deeply affected by the federal and state policies created by elected officials - it is in their interest to vote. This project is designed to change the culture of unmarried women when it comes to voting - to get them to associate the act of voting to the social frame within which they want to be seen."

Thanks to Kim and Jenny for the Smart Women link.
P.S. Click over to Kim's blog--she has a great pic posted right now. :)

Not My Match Quiz

Quiz: "Pro-Choice America has found its Mr. Right. Tall, handsome, staunchly pro-choice - it's John Kerry of course. But do you know who your Mr./Ms. Wrong is? Take our quiz to find the anti-choice pundit who is most diametrically opposed to your beliefs and values, and then find out what you can do to defeat the Radical Right come November 2!"

A cute and funny Cosmo-style quiz about some of the anti-choice leaders in power. Hope you enjoy it!

Love and marriage

I've been a proponent of gay marriage for a long time now, but last night, after a conversation with a friend of mine (who is gay), I made some new connections in my head. I don't think these connections are new to anyone else but they do connect conversations I've had with a couple of people recently.

My gay friend and I were discussing living together before marriage. He explained to me that without marriage, some gays have created an alternative expectation. Rather than expecting to get married and live happily ever after, they expect to have a few long-term relationships in their life. Following a conversation Matt and I had the night before last, many people who expect forever love, expect it to be like popular culture portrays it to be. When the reality doesn't live up to that expectation, they give up and decide to try again.

I think it would likely be better if everyone had a realistic view of lifelong love. If a relationship, any relationship, is going to last forever, it won't be perfect and it won't be like the movies. Sometimes making that relationship last may require forgiving your partner for something you never imagined you could forgive, being open to the way your relationship will change, and even getting help such as marriage counseling. Maybe having realistic expectations will include knowing that not every relationship can last forever, no matter how much you love one another, and that you may love more than once in your adult life.

Powell's Books - Used, New, and Out of Print

Powell's Books - Used, New, and Out of Print: "To celebrate ten years of online bookselling, we are asking our readers: What was your most memorable reading experience of the last ten years? Submit an essay and Powells.com will donate one dollar to Reading Is Fundamental, the nation's largest nonprofit children's literacy organization. The author of the best essay will win $1,000 in books. Ten runners-up will receive $100 in books."

I am a voracious reader--reading soup can labels if that is all I have--so it is an interesting question to figure out what book has provided my most memorable reading experience of the last 20 years. Are you going to try too?

Looking into the future

Every year for my birthday, my Aunt K asks us what our goal for the next year is. This year I didn't have an answer when I talked to her that day, so we agreed I'd let her know when I saw her a few days later for her birthday. Luckily she didn't ask because I didn't have an answer. Partially that is because I didn't put time into it to choose one. But it also has to do with the fact that when I look into my future these days, I don't see anything. That sounds like I have a death wish, but let me explain. When you're in school, you know that you will be in school from September through May, have summer off, then start the next grade in the fall. Since I graduated from college and haven't had that structure, my path seems so unclear that I can't answer any questions about my future.

Once when I was meeting with the vp at my last job, he asked where I wanted to be in five years. Complete blank. If you asked again now, same answer. Right now I can tell you that I am committed to advising the sorority chapter through May at least, and most likely for at least one more year after that. My role in the local SWE section will last until June 2006. Once I am done being section president, I will be able to be elected to the national Council of Representatives. Really, my interests don't lie there, but they lie in national office. However, I'm not sure I'm ready to take on the responsibilities for those positions yet, so being on COR may be the next step. And Girl Scouts? I'll keep doing what I'm doing (training leaders) until I decide I'm old enough to lead a troop. {grin} So that hits the activities I'm involved in, but still no idea about my job.

I love working with engineers and most of the time I like what I'm doing. I think I would like more responsibility but then when I'm given design opportunities I procrastinate a lot so it seems like it takes me eight times longer to do it than it really requires. I also do other things to make people think I'm not interested in being more responsible. Looking ahead, it seems logical that I will start to advance by taking on my own projects and then managing other people to help me complete them. After that I will take on the additional responsibility of managing my own budget and doing billing. I don't know if that's where I want to go. After that I could become a team leader or a manager. But sometimes I think once I've gotten my PE that I want to change focus and work in outreach--encouraging young women to become engineers.

And my confusion about my career future rivals that about my personal life. I should meet more men. I should try dating men who live in my geographic area. But I don't want to do this in bars or over the internet. What does that leave?

Me staring into a dark crystal ball, hoping for inspiration.

Forgotten

This morning I left my stereo at home. Again. So another day goes by without music in my headphones. I think I may go crazy.

Girly girl

I am a girly girl. If you had asked me that question when I was younger, I'd have denied it, but really, let's be honest here. Some evidence?
I like girly drinks--the more fruit flavors or umbrellas, the better. I don't drink beer.
I like chick flicks. If there isn't a happy ending and I can't escape from the "real world", I don't really want to watch it. A selection of movie titles I own: Dirty Dancing, Steel Magnolias, Bridget Jones' Diary, The Wedding Planner, and Chances Are.
I love romance novels. I enjoy reading other books sometimes, but I get an emotional satisfaction from happy endings.
I enjoy joining groups with other women--Society of Women Engineers, my sorority and Girl Scouts.
I'm close to my mom and sister.
I like wearing dresses and makeup--not everyday, but for special occasions or when the mood strikes me.

Now don't think that this is the only aspect of my personality, but do know that it is a part of me. That's all--now back to your regularly scheduled life.

Letter from the top

Dear Working Girl,

You have been blessed today with a new and faster computer. Isn't it beautiful? Please don't get too excited about your new acquisition. The software packages we use don't take advantage of the best innovations your new machine has to offer. We paid $420 more for this machine now than we would've if we'd bought it in January--no upgraded monitor size for you. Not only does your new machine lack a sound card, but now your CD-ROM drive does not have a headphone jack so your effort to save your previous playlists from your old computer was futile and now you'll have to bring in that stereo to have music in your cubicle. Regards,

The Management

**Note: I do like my job, and my bosses, and my new pretty machine. But a whole day without music--will I make it?

Thanks to the man who sent my favorite computer accessory to me at my last job.

Breast Cancer Awareness | World's Largest Pink Ribbon

Breast Cancer Awareness World's Largest Pink Ribbon:
"The World's Largest Pink Ribbon will stand over 70 feet tall and consist of over 75,000 pink Post-it® Super Sticky Notes. By entering your name, city and state on the website, you will not only be supporting City of Hope through the 3M contributions noted below, but also be represented by one of the more than 75,000 Post-it® Super Sticky Notes making up the World's Largest Pink Ribbon.

This giant ribbon will be unveiled in New York's Times Square during the first week of Breast Cancer Awareness Month in October 2004. "

P.S. Buy pink and white m&ms to support the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation through November. Mmm... chocolate for a good cause--what could be better?

That's what friends are for

I'm sure that this isn't a best idea--posting while I'm still smarting from my most recent phone call--but I have a talent for rationalizing things while it is dark outside.

Two weeks ago he told me that he only cares for me as a friend. Since then, I've tried to pull back from him. I didn't talk to him all weekend and I ignored him when he called last night. I didn't pick up the first time he called tonight either. But the second time I thought it wouldn't be a long call and that it could just be friendly. But are these things friends say to one another?

• it has been too long since he's been laid
• that he doesn't expect anything to change about that tonight while I'm 1000+ miles away
• if I pledge to support him in a bike race that he'll owe me a favor (and yes, he later specified sexual)
• if I want to move to somewhere with a great view, he knows of somewhere with a 6'6" mountain that I can be close to

And I proved once again that I'm a coward. I didn't call him on any of these statements. In fact, mostly I laughed and flirted along. When he told me that it had been too long since he was laid, I said, "Telling me won't change a darn thing." That's when he told me that he didn't expect it to change tonight while we were on the phone three states apart. But if we're just friends, that can't change at all. As A told me, "Women can't be friends with benefits. Only men can separate their emotions that way." And I'm so confused. Tonight he reminds me that I'm the only one who knows that he feels certain acts, including just sleeping together, are more intimate than sex. How can I be in on that; how can he have shared with me that at one time he knew he loved me since he met me; how can he have casually mentioned that he loved me and then tell me he just cares about me as a friend?

Five senses

In my CD player right now... Unleashed by Toby Keith. The chorus of "Losing My Touch" (song 6) uses all five senses (and the word "sense"), even if one of them is used in an unconventional way.

I've got good taste for blended whiskey
I can see my way around this bar
I can hear the sound of a vintage jukebox
And smell the smoke of a hand-rolled cigar
I can't read your mind
Baby, I can sense this much
When it comes to your love
I feel like I'm losing my touch

Every time I hear this song, I am impressed again at how he managed to weave them all into the song. And the sound... mellow but disappointed. The singer is disappointed in himself, but too depressed to get worked up about it. I wish I could express thoughts and feelings this eloquently.

Vignettes

After meeting two of my male friends--both Jewish--my dad says to my mom, "Maybe when she went away to college and we told her to meet nice guys, we should've told her she could meet nice Gentile guys."
...
I told my mom about an on-again, off-again relationship I had through college and she says, "Don't get me wrong, (your dad and I) don't think he's right for you, but now I'm primarily concerned about why you're so afraid of committment."
...
Men always think I’m too demanding . . . but all I ask is that they treat me like the goddess I am.
— cartoonist Kathy Shaskan, in her cartoon Blossom Fuller

Falling in love

The road ended as I came over the crest of the hill and I turned left to where this road ended in a cul-de-sac. I slowed to a stop, mesmerized by the view from the top of this bluff overlooking the city with a backdrop of the Rocky Mountains. The two apartment buildings ahead of me were charming and appeared to be well-maintained. I knew immediately that I wanted to live there. Driving out to the edge of the parking area to better appreciate the view, and noticing the city-owned trail and open space adjacent to the property, I became even more convinced I was meant to live there.

I went back Saturday afternoon to talk to a leasing agent--bad news, there are no one bedroom units available. After seeing a two bedroom unit and talking to the agent, I am more convinced than ever that I should live there. Anyone wanna be my roommate?

Casual Fridays

Last night I got home at 11:15 after a sorority dinner and spending some time with my dad. I needed to put my laundry in the dryer so I would have jeans to wear today. Dad's response to this comment, "You don't need to wear jeans tomorrow. You should always be dressed a little nicer so you'll be noticed--wear khakis." I don't think he understands that I do need to wear jeans. I feel more like myself in my jeans than I do in any of the other outfits I wear or own. My life may have changed in the last three years, but my instincts haven't--I wish I could still wear jeans with t-shirts/sweaters everyday. Sure, there are days (like Wednesday) when I enjoy being noticed for wearing a pretty outfit, or when I get a charge out of feeling like a professional in a suit, but I would be happy getting up every morning and dressing like I did in college.

Luckily yawning is an acceptable accessory for jeans. I didn't actually put my laundry in the dryer after I got home until 11:50--I was watching THS--so they weren't done until 12:35. I went and picked them up shortly after, but stayed up laying on the couch watching the end of Regarding Henry until 2am. On commercial breaks, I was watching someone sell jewelry--did you know that YAG (Yttrium Aluminum Garnet) is a better diamond substitute than cubic zirconia?--and music videos on Insomnia Music Theater. Even when I'm exhausted, going to bed is something I have difficulty doing. Why do I do this?

Theme parties

I was barely eight years old. The cart was slowly lowered into the dark Snow White mine--Seven Dwarfs Ltd., Proprietors. I switched on my flashlight and began to search for gold nuggets. What's that noise? It's eight-year-olds giggling--they're also searching for gold spray-painted rocks, baked in salt dough. The mine--my family room with all of the windows blacked out. After we had all found our gold and pounded off the salt dough to expose the gold nuggets, we settled up with the mine's accountant--my mom. She weighed our gold and then gave us each a nickel. Then we went outside to pan for gold--plastic rings with jewel dropped into a water-filled wheelbarrow. We loved it mining for gold so much that we kept begging my mom to rehide the "gold nuggets" we'd altready found so we could try again. It was a great party!

Soon it will be my princess party--guests wearing tiaras while having a champagne toast and going to see the Princess Diaries 2 together. Last night my mom gave a bunch of accessories for my princess party including:

• Two tiaras--one normal and one that is meant to go over a ponytail
• A copy of the Princess Diaries to watch beforehand
• A magnet that says "Don't question the princess"
• A zodiac handbag to match my princess outfit

Can you see where I get my love for theme parties?

Happy National Angineer Day to you!

I think it is very considerate of Colorado Springs to put on a parade for me on my special day! Unfortunately I have to be at work today and can't head down there to be a parade princess, but it is enough to know that the town is thinking about me! {Pause while I straighten my tiara.}

Then, following my usual morning ritual, I exposed today's page on my Bad Girl's daily calendar and revealed today's to-do/to-don't list. Today's to-don't: act your age. {grin}

Hugs to the friends who have sent me their greetings--it is so nice to feel loved!

My own "True Hollywood Story"

I have found the way I am going to stretch out my 15 minutes of fame! E! is looking for a "normal" person to feature in an upcoming episode of True Hollywood Story. (So it won't really be a Hollywood story, but stay with me people!) Obviously, I should apply. ;)

Secrets to having a great THS (according to E!)
Triumph against long odds
-Hmmm... middle-class, nuclear family. Nope.
Dedication to a dream
-I wanted to be president when I was 9. That hasn't worked out so well.
Mistakes made, lessons learned
-Um, every day, but applying the lessons is a different story...
A dash of dumb luck
-I'm pretty good at cards! :)
Discovery of a niche
-Is that what this blog is?
Confrontation with fear
-I had to kill a spider in my apt the other night BY MYSELF. Another disadvantage to living alone. But no grainy video to prove it. Darn. (see below)
A change of fortunes
-Nope. Life started out good and still is good.

Ok, so I don't have any of the keys to having a great THS. But let's start filling out the application. I'm sure that will reveal why I would be perfect to profile.

From the application...
II. Story Overview
1. In one sentence, why do you think your life would make a great True Hollywood Story?

I think I would be a great person to profile for THS because I would like to be a little famous, although not being-followed-by-paparazzi famous, and because I would like to use THS to find a boyfriend--the same way Tom Cruise is using the media to advertise his availability. Speaking of dating Tom Cruise, who has seen the special (Cruisin') E! is currently running on him?

Plus, for all those women looking to fill the shoes of Nicole Kidman and
Penélope Cruz, Tom reveals his romantic side. "I like taking care of a woman,"
he confesses to E!, "and having those moments in bed at night."

That one sentence and I'm all his--and I didn't even like "You complete me" or Jerry Maguire. I'm sure some random guy saying that in a bar would be creepy, but when Tom Cruise says it my mouth starts to water, I melt and think--Tom, you could take care of me! But criticizing his work on the internet has surely ruined any chance I had with him. Drat!

2. Tell us your Story on no more than two typed pages. (attach your Story to your submission form as a separate page(s)). Please include copies of any newspaper clippings, magazine articles or other published articles, police reports, birth certificates or any other legal/governmental documentation/corroborating materials regarding your Story, and contact information of third party(ies) who can verify your Story.

I won't tell my life story here--wait, too late--but obviously I have been lax in gathering supporting documentation. And police reports? Is this Jerry Springer?

IV. Self-reflection

3. Who would play you, in a movie?

Teri Hatcher is my choice for the moment--and can Dean Cain be my boyfriend? I mean it--can Dean Cain be my boyfriend?

What do you think? Will I be chosen?

Primary Colors

I just realized that tomorrow is the primary election--my first opportunity to vote this year! I normally vote by absentee ballot b/c it is easier, but this time I didn't fill out the paperwork in time, so I should really make time and go vote in person. But it is hard to be motivated when, out of 19 possible positions to vote for, seven have no democratic candidate running and only two of the others are contested. Do the math--that is only 11% of the ballot that requires me to make a decision. And honestly, I'm not well-informed when it comes to the differences between my CU Regent-At-Large candidates. So that leaves the Democratic candidate for Senate--which is important. I would love to see a Democrat take Ben Nighthorse Campbell's seat!!!! I hate living in a Republican-dominated state!

Other than the scheduling inconvenience, I also don't typically like to vote in person because... don't laugh... I'm nervous about those big scary voting booths. I'm afraid that I'm going to get into one and be unable to figure out how to do it. I've been in the booth with my mom when she voted when I was like ten, but that was a while ago, and I hate feeling unsure and/or stupid. I like the idea of computerized voting, although there are some pretty scary aspects of that too--computers are not the most reliable machines on the planet, the security on computerized voting machines has been called into question, and there is no way to be sure that your vote was accurately recorded without a paper trail. For more information on the campaign to make computerized voting safer, visit:
http://www.truemajority.org/ComputerAteMyVote/
http://www.verifiedvoting.org/

In other news, I tried yoga for the first time on Sunday morning. I think this is something I should do more. I've thought about signing up for a class, but I think that would involve joining a gym or something, and I don't know if I want to go that far. Can anyone recommend a yoga/pilates video for me to buy and/or try? Let me know. :)

Satisfying my Inner Child

I love Care Bears and it can all be blamed on my Aunt K. When we were young, my aunt and my grandmother got us stuffed animals for virtually every holiday. This led to stringent selection criteria that my aunt created including hugging and cuddling tests. One of the animals that found its way to me after passing the tests was Tenderheart Bear--the flagship Care Bear, the one with the single heart on his tummy. After Tenderheart, my aunt got me three other Care Bears--Wish Bear, Love-A-Lot, and Baby Hugs.

What did I love about Care Bears? Everything!

• the little curls of hair on the tops of their head
• the pads on their feet were heart-shaped
• Tenderheart's little tongue
• the enamel heart on their bottom that says "Care Bear"--kind of like the way Cabbage Patch kids had Xavier's signature on their bottoms
• they were just the right size to cuddle with when I was in elementary school

My love for Care Bears didn't stop with the bears. I had a couple of the action figures (Tenderheart and his cloudmobile!), the markers--they looked like the Care Bears but you pulled off their heads to color with them--and the movie on video. As I grew up, Tenderheart continued to be one of my most treasured stuffed companions. He went to Girl Scout camp with my aunt and I when we went to "parent-daughter" camp together and everyone thought she was my mom. When I was about thirteen we drove to Idaho Springs to have pizza at Beau Jo's and we stopped in a little antique store across the street. Aunt K got one of my first pairs of earrings--silver bears with turquoise on their tummies--and a Tenderheart glass from the Pizza Hut Care Bear collection.

As the 80s retro movement started, I was so excited to see that the Care Bears were coming back. My family all remembered my love for them, so I have gotten Care Bear pjs, stickers and keychains as they've come back. My college roommates and I were known to color Care Bear coloring pages off the internet when we needed a pick-me-up.

I got a phone call about a year ago--my Aunt K and my cousin were at Walmart and had something they needed to share with me. All of sudden, there were small Care Bear voices singing on the phone. They have brought back the classic Care Bear stuffed animals and these had a merchandising twist-they sing and if you have more than one sitting together, they'll sing together. I'm sure the other people at Walmart thought my aunt and cousin were crazy as they stood in the aisle and laughed with me on the phone. Shortly after I dragged one of my friends to Walmart to help me appreciate this phenomenon in person--they are so darned cute!

I gave in to my inner child on Sunday at Walmart--I bought Care Bear fruit snacks. The good news is they have patterns on their tummies, but the bad news is that they aren't as cute as the Care Bear gummy bears that I used to get at the movies that actually had hearts on their tummies. (And the company made the shopping even better--I miss shopping with my cross-country road-tripping visitor!)

My plea to the candy manufacturers cashing in on the retro trend: bring back the Care Bear gummy bears and I will never sneak candy into a movie theater again!

In the meantime I'll be here... snacking on my Care Bear fruit snacks! (They've made their way into my desk and the college intern across the aisle from me was reminicing about Care Bears with me yesterday...)

Origins

I was studying for my finals during my first semester in college when I had an unexpected visitor. It was my best friend PJ at the door. He had taken a break from his own studying to stop by and drop off a Rice Krispies treat and a note. The note went something like:

Angineer-
Good luck with your studying! :)
-PJ

No one had ever combined "Angie" and "engineer" to create the nickname "Angineer" before that, or since actually. Soon after that PJ and I shared our first kiss. It took another year before we had a real relationship, but our relationship never made it past the six month mark. I lost my best friend in that breakup and the year of turmoil that followed. It is only recently--four years later--that we've been able to set that aside and be friendly again. But somehow Angineer came to characterize me in my own head.

The nickname Angineer never seemed more appropriate than it did last night. There was a huge rainstorm here and as the rain started to let up, we pulled over near a drainage channel and watched as the water rose and almost overtopped the bridge because it couldn't get through the bridge opening fast enough. It was like watching a hydraulics lecture in action--and I really enjoyed it. In fact, I wished I had a flow meter to measure how much water was passing under that bridge. The best part about working with engineers--they get excited about big storms and drainage channels too.

What's next?

Everyone has those days where you realize that it would've been better if you just stayed in bed with the covers over your head. I'm having one of those right now. My last couple of days have been average days with bursts of awful and today is no different. I didn't set my alarm last night so I woke up about two hours late this morning, cursing the inconveniences of sleeping alone, and dreading making that embarrassing call to my office. Then, once I got to work, I realized I forgot to drop off my rent check last night. So now I'm headed home to drop that off. I know I'm tempting fate, but I'm beginning to wonder, "What's next to go wrong?"

Chaos Within

You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star. - Friedrich Nietzsche

It's a beautiful quote, isn't it? It is one that normally gives me comfort when I'm confused about my life or emotions. But last night, the chaos was too exhausting. Even today, while things look brighter in the daylight, I would still give almost anything for some clarity.

Instead of trying to unravel my confused emotions or trying to better understand the situation I find myself in, I'll probably revert to my tried-and-true coping mechanism--ignore my emotions until those feelings and the situation are far enough away for comfort. Sure, it sets me up to go through all this again, but finding resolution seems too hard. Besides, in the seven years we've known each other, we've never found resolution. That probably explains the cyclical nature of our relationship. But maybe it is easier to face that this might happen again than to get resolution and face that it might not.

A child of the 80s

A group of us went dancing on Friday night--friends from high school that I only see a few times a year. Going dancing at a club isn't normally my favorite activity--it's too loud and I always feel a little self-conscious. But this time seeing Katie--who lives in Boston these days--was enough incentive to join the crowd.

We went to Poly Ester's where they have dance floors for the 70s, 80s, 90s and hip-hop. We ended up on the 80s dance floor. After we'd been dancing for a while, "Jesse's Girl" by Rick Springfield came on. I love to sing along when I know the words, so I start to sing along, and I see this guy out of the corner of my eye doing the same thing. We move towards each other and start to sing together. His name is Scott and he's 32 and as we dance together for the next half-hour or so, he apologizes for singing along to the music a couple times by saying, "I'm a child of the 80s--I can't help knowing all the words."

At about last call, he went to get that last drink and we didn't exchange numbers. After about the fifth time he told me I was the prettiest girl in the room, I had started to think maybe he was using a line on me. But it is too bad I didn't see him on the way out. I wish I would've told him that I love guys who aren't afraid to sing along.