Angineer

Overheard at work

2011-12-14T11:58:00.001-07:00

Song playing on the radio: My Grown-up Christmas List

Coworker to another coworker: Did you read my list for Santa?

Hungry?

2011-09-08T23:18:00.001-06:00

The secretary came to the door where we were talking. "There's a guy
who is coming through the office spraying for bugs." Looking at my
pregnant coworker, she continued, "I asked him and he said that it is
a topical treatment that doesn't give off any fumes, so you should be
fine as long as you don't lick the baseboards."

I had to laugh because it reminded me of a conversation I had just had
with my dad about removing popcorn ceilings. Apparently whatever
gives those ceilings that texture, while it is called popcorn,
actually should not be eaten.

Something I've got to try!

2011-03-29T13:20:00.000-06:00

I was watching the Food Network this weekend and stumbled across an episode of Kid In A Candy Store where the host was visiting a The Big Top candy shop in Austin, TX. The pastry chef made an Elvis-themed chocolate bark with banana oil, banana chips & bacon and then swirled in peanut butter and jelly. I really want to try perfecting this because I think it would make quite a statement at a party!

Prognosticator

2011-03-27T13:18:00.002-06:00

As my aunt, grandmother & I walked down the mountain at North Pole, fresh from having seen Santa's winter wonderland, I said, "I hope the baby doesn't get 30 gifts for Christmas."

My aunt replied, "I will get your baby 30 blue gifts before you leave the hospital!"

I am most definitely not having a baby now, but I will look back at this dream and scratch my head a bit if my first baby is a boy.

Quiet late night ramblings

2010-08-22T03:12:00.003-06:00

Late night is the only time I feel alone these days and, even then, it doesn't happen often. Admittedly it is even more rare for me to think about it and appreciate it when it does happen. But tonight I was thinking about it, thinking about how at one time I was used to living alone and I enjoyed it, most of the time.

Living in an apartment by myself was adjustment. But soon it was normal and I enjoyed it. Occasionally I wondered if it was unhealthy if I went a whole weekend without talking to someone else, but I enjoyed being wholly responsible for myself. I ate and did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Sure, I might sometimes be chatty when I arrived at the office on Monday morning, but that was worth it.

Not to say I don't enjoy living with roommates, because I certainly have. But I always had my own space and a separate life from them. Now I'm wondering about what it would be like to share a living space and a life with another person. Would I lose my alone time except for late night ramblings like these?

Jinx

2010-03-22T01:15:00.001-06:00

This weekend my family celebrated my grandmother's birthday. At one
point I heard one of my grandmother's friends asking my aunt what she
was doing these days. My aunt mentioned she had been laid off last
year when her employer was bought out and noted that our family had
been hit hard by the economy. She went on to say that she knew she
wanted to do something different with her life, but wasn't sure what.
It was simultaneously encouraging and disheartening to hear my aunt
say words that could've easily come out of my mouth. I love my aunt
and would like to emulate certain aspects of her life but, hearing her
say that, I wondered what I need to do in my life so that answer no
longer applies to me.

Snapping turtles

2010-02-15T21:15:00.001-07:00

I feel very snappish these days and it is very uncharacteristic for me. When someone asks me a question, I realize that the tone of my answer is often condescending. Or when someone asks me if I've done something, my newest reply is "Don't nag me." I don't like this change.

I can think of only one other time when I noticed this about myself. I've often thought of that weekend as the one time in my life when I was truly bitchy. And the causes that weekend were obvious to me - it was a highly emotional time, seeing a close friend get married, and between the bridesmaid duties and rooming with my best friend, I had no time to process or breathe. I know I'm an introvert and that weekend is just one more piece of proof.

So I guess the first question I should ask myself is if I'm getting any time for myself right now. Not really. My house is crowded with people and someone is pretty much always around. Often when I'm not home I'm at F's, which is a nice break, but not a place to have space for myself either. Plus, even now, when I'm alone in a room, I have the weight of three jobs and more committments weighing on me. My schedule feels so discombobulated that I don't know how I'm going to meet those obligations, and today when my aunt mentioned a friend who had a 5-year play, I inwardly laughed - I don't have a 5-week plan, much less a 5-year plan.

Earlier this summer when tears were closer to the surface that I liked, I sought therapy. The first session was a huge cryfest. Talking helped but I wasn't there long enough to feel like any changes stuck beyond our 1 hour together each week. I guess I could seek therapy again - although I'm not sure when I would fit it in - and I'm afraid of what might come out of it. I'm looking for a map to get through this rocky patch, but I'm not sure I like the choices I might have to make or the work it will take to move on from here.

Thirteen things I enjoyed last Thursday

2010-01-28T17:01:00.001-07:00

In the tradition of the Thursday Thirteen, I'm documenting the things
I enjoyed about going back to my old town last Thursday...

1. Being greeted by parachute jumpers as I drove into town.
2. Seeing even more people I knew than I expected.
3. Tasty desserts.
4. Sharing those desserts with my good friend R.
5. Catching up with former coworkers I haven't seen in years.
6. Seeing an old coworker's kids - wow, they have grown so much!
7. Discovering I can still navigate my way around town.
8. Remembering a fun dinner with my former roommate.
9. Feeling so good it seemed like a Saturday.
10. Getting the dirt on R's newest boy toy.
11. Not getting a parking ticket this time.
12. Blowing off another committment so I could stay longer.
13. Calling another old friend on the way home.

Risk assessment

2009-08-08T01:56:00.001-06:00

First she was the annoying three-year-old sister of one of my classmates, following us and trying to play along in our games when we played in her basement. Then she was an eight-year-old that I knew better than her sister that was once my friend and I marvelled at how she wore her white hightop sneakers on the wrong feet on purpose. Soon she was eleven with tall shellacked bangs and curly dark hair. And then she was fourteen and we'd grown apart.

D was never young when I knew him, but he was young at heart and trying hard to heal an old wound, probably more than one old wound actually. I was only trying out my flirting skills, learning to control my new superpower - I didn't know what flirting could lead to until him. When we agreed that it was a bad idea for him to attend Prom with me, I was relieved. I liked the cachet I received from the whispers of the few who know without the stares we would've received if he had come. I've never had any desire to be an animal in a zoo or the subject of paparazzi.

Clearly she didn't consider those risks either when she made her choices. Ten years didn't seem like a problem, much the same way that he and I discounted eight. And now she has eight years of supervision in front of her and a lifetime of registration, questions in job interviews. Now she has to start a new life at the same age that I released D, making him find another future as well.

Leaving it behind

2009-06-23T16:41:00.005-06:00

Our friend BP stopped by just after my study group left one night. He came into my room where I was putting the finishing touches on the homework set we had just finished and began to talk, "I was downstairs at PJ's just now. I came by because I wanted to talk to him, but his girlfriend Lara came by a few minutes after I did."

Hearing Lara's name still hurt a bit but, not wanting to BP to catch on, I murmured agreeably.

"She comes in and plops down in the chair that PJ was sitting in. The whole time I was trying to talk him, she is sitting on top of him and touching him. Doesn't he know how much that bothers me since my break up? I don't want to see that."

Mentally I'm thinking, "I don't want to hear this. Can't he tell how much this is hurting me?", but now BP is on a roll venting and all I can do is try to partially tune him out. My lack of response finally had its desired effect when BP left, seemingly relieved at having told someone who understood how tortured he felt and seemingly oblivious to the pain he had just pushed onto me.

I sat on the floor of my room, surrounded by a haze of depression and emotional pain. My friend from across the hall came over with her copy of our homework and settled down to work, but I couldn't keep my focus on my textbook. I wanted to be smaller somehow and protected from all this pain. Without saying a word I got up from the floor and went into the bathroom. I left the lights off, feeling safer in the pitch dark room, and went into the far corner of the shower stall where I sat with my arms around my raised knees.

At first it was difficult to quiet my rioting thoughts and I was afraid of someone coming in to find me. What would they think of me hiding in a completely dark shower stall? But after a few minutes my body began to adopt the quiet of the room and I felt some peace. The pain was still there but I didn't feel so completely overwhelmed by it.

The door opened and I braced for discovery. My roommate, BLB, turned on the light and said my name. Thank goodness it was that friend, someone I felt safe revealing my weakness and pain to. I responded and she opened the door to the shower area. She gave me a hand getting up off the cool tile floor and with just a few words I followed her out, leaving most of my pain behind.

Loving Colorado winters

2009-02-18T10:31:00.001-07:00

Tuesday afternoon I gazed out my office window, shocked at the huge snowflakes falling purposefully towards the parking lot - and my car - below. I then looked down at my shoes -- cute brown flats that I had thrown on over my bare feet that morning and hoped the flurry would be extraordinarily short-lived.

I left the office very late that night. I was glad that I had my long winter coat and scarf, but that didn't help the tops of my feet from getting chilled from the wind. As I got close to my car, the fluffy snow began to cling to my pants cuffs, brushing against my feet with every mincing step I took. I gratefully sank into my driver's seat, only then considering how the car was covered in nearly three inches of snow and I wouldn't be going anywhere until all the snow was brushed off, so I steeled my resolve and headed back into the night with one glove and my snow scraper, cursing the capricious nature of Colorado winters.

Thursday Thirteen: Lincoln's birthday edition

2009-02-12T09:56:00.000-07:00

1. I have been obsessed with Abraham Lincoln for as long as I can remember.
2. I was frustrated as a first-grader because one of my Lincoln story books had his mother's name wrong.
3. I dressed up as Abraham Lincoln for our "Night of the Notables" in fourth grade.
4. For that event, I also created a diorama of Lincoln's assassination using flexible baseball action figures for President Lincoln, Mary Todd Lincoln, Major Rathbone, his fiance Clara Harris & John Wilkes Booth.
5. When I was in eighth grade I got a shirt with a giant penny on the front of it.
6. I made a hairclip to match by hot-gluing pennies to a plain barrette.
7. I just got rid of that hairclip when I moved last year, but I still have the shirt.
8. As a Senior Girl Scout I had the amazing opportunity to spend ten days in Gettysburg with fifty other Girl Scouts who were equally as obsessed as I was.
9. We recreated Pickett's Charge during part of our time on the battlefield and spent time in the cemetery at Gettysburg.
10. We took a day trip to D.C. where we visited the White House, Ford's Theater & the Peterson Boarding House, as well as Arlington Cemetery.
11. I once inadvertently spent an entire Saturday in bed watching books about Lincoln on CSPAN's Book TV -- the first time I'd ever watched that channel.
12. Last year I went out of my way to take 10 minutes to speedwalk through the Lincoln Bicentennial travelling exhibit between meetings and heading to the airport because I was afraid I wouldn't get another chance -- and then got to see it at a leisurely pace this summer when it was in Denver during the DNC.
13. Happy 200th birthday President Lincoln!

Why I love working with engineers

2009-02-11T17:32:00.002-07:00

Love Letter to Yourself

2009-02-10T18:13:00.002-07:00

I found this fascinating quote today:

The other thing I’m going to do is write me a letter. A love letter. Seriously. You know the old saying that you need to love yourself before others will love you (or something like that). Here I am, coming off a long, long relationship where I thought I loved another person - and I thought he loved me. To be honest, losing that love has shaken my whole concept of love; what it really is, how you get it and how you give it.Debbie Harris, Coffee For One, Feb 2009

Her questions about love really resonated with me. I feel very comfortable with unconditional familial love but, when it comes to romantic love, I find myself less confident to express what it is and how to give it.

Debbie goes on to ask what you would write in a love letter to yourself? I find it a very thought provoking exercise. Visit her blog to comment, or leave your ideas here.

New year, new errors

2009-01-22T16:14:00.001-07:00

How long does it take me to learn that it is 2009 when I'm writing the date?

Not long enough to avoid using 2009 instead of 2008 when doing end-of-the-year spreadsheets.

Be it resolved

2009-01-05T11:23:00.001-07:00

Judging by the state of the break room this morning, none of my coworkers are giving up caffeine for 2009.

TV for Angineers

2008-12-07T22:36:00.002-07:00

I decided that I liked the latest "Librarian" tv movie when the very cute Noah Wylie got himself out of a jam using Newton's third law--complete with a cheer after it worked. Go Newton!

What I learned this week

2008-11-14T12:10:00.001-07:00

...that I put my turtleneck on backwards this morning. Oops.

Results

2008-11-04T10:46:00.004-07:00

Eight years ago all my roommates went to bed while I stayed awake on the couch, glued to the election results. I made one of those silly bargains with myself--that my candidate would win if I just waited up long enough. After the networks finally decided Florida was too close to call and it became clear neither candidate was going to publicly concede, I fell asleep to the chatter of tv journalists rehashing the lack of a decisive victory in an endless loop.

I woke up in the wee hours of the morning, finding that the result was still unclear after my nap, and stumbled to bed, but, because of that, I feel like I never fulfilled that bargain I made with myself. So tonight, after getting my free ice cream, I'll curl up on the couch with F and watch the numbers come in.

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T16:02:00.007-06:00

This year I didn't do much to decorate my office, but we did celebrate Halloween in a couple different ways - a costume contest and a pumpkin carving contests. I loved the pumpkin carving contest. See all the pictures here.

My favorite:

Our office winner:

What a fun way to get some seasonal spirit in the office!

Holding back

2008-10-29T18:45:00.003-06:00

Since I started working at my new job, I have won two weeks of the football pool, spent a couple weeks atop the season-long football pool standings, and won a coworker's baby pool. We also alternate weeks bringing breakfast for the office on Fridays and my first entry garnered many comments that it would be a serious contender for the breakfast award at the annual holiday party.

While participating in these office traditions is a great way to get to know my coworkers in a more social manner, when I picked up my picks sheet for the football pool last week, someone made the comment about how I seemed to be winning everything.

Every day this week I've looked at the list of contests we're doing in our office for my favorite holiday--pumpkin carving, costumes and office decorating. I had a very clever idea for pumpkin carving this year--perfect for an Angineer--but I keep thinking of what my coworker said, and I decided not to spend this evening up to my arms in pumpkin goo. Instead of getting up early on Halloween morning, I'll go with the quick and easy costume option and keep my more elaborate costume for the evening festivities. So I'll keep my celebrations more limited to my house and participate without going the extra mile. I think I'll miss going all out, but I will enjoy having extra time during my evenings this week and joining in the camaraderie at work on Friday without standing out.

What I've Learned This Week

2008-10-24T11:03:00.001-06:00

I must be pretty cool. Just this morning I've received emails from one presidential candidate, one former president, and one current senator trying to influence my vote. It make me feel so special to live in a swing state during this election.

One more reason to love my new job...

2008-10-14T15:33:00.001-06:00

...they've already put up their Halloween decorations!

P.S. I've always loved decorating my cubicle for Halloween!

Rationalizing

2008-10-09T10:37:00.001-06:00

Have you seen the latest feature from Google Labs? Mail Goggles. I think Google should work on something similar for our blogs because I know, I know, I know I shouldn't write about certain things here.

But I want to. I really really really want to.

Fairy tales

2008-10-06T23:27:00.002-06:00

For some reason, only the female employees in my office seem to congregate at the table in the break room to eat lunch. Not surprisingly, since many of them are mothers, the talk often turns to kids. Today the talk started with a discussion of the going rate for a tooth by the Tooth Fairy. Appallingly the concensus was $3-$5 per tooth.

Talk of this friendly figment soon turned to that of Santa. One coworker complained about a tradition that her husband's family has where two elves leave gifts and a note a couple days before Christmas. Everyone agreed that you have to be quick on your feet to answer questions about why Santa might have given a gently used bike, the gift labels from Santa are in your handwriting, or Santa uses the same wrapping paper as Mom and Dad. I laughed along, sharing stories from my own childhood and empathizing with my coworkers.

It was a great lunch hour, furnishing some overdue bonding. I didn't realize that I'd been taking mental notes on kids and family traditions until I was walking away, and I skipped a step when I realized that I might never be one with my coworkers in hiding Santa's wrapping paper and mixing up reindeer feed.

Is Area 51 in your cites?

2008-10-06T11:27:00.002-06:00

If the aliens are studying us, I hope at least that they are collecting systematic data, taking good notes, making interesting graphs, and publishing their results.

-Female Science Professor

Tyra-nt

2008-09-25T14:30:00.002-06:00

My boss' question about our headshots this morning: Did they have a wind machine? Or a bubble machine?

Ironic?

2008-09-25T13:21:00.002-06:00

I was feeling a little snarky about my headshots this morning. Right after I posted about it, I went up to the reception desk in my office and practically ran into the photographer. Gotta love the universe's sense of humor!

Thursday Thirteen: Headshots edition

2008-09-25T13:11:00.002-06:00

Thirteen thoughts while getting my headshots taken for work this morning:

I drove halfway up a mountain to get my pictures taken in someone's small spare bedroom with black curtains on the windows?
I can hear the photographer's stomach growling--maybe she should've had more than coffee before we got here.
Just pick a comfortable pose? Okay, I'll just take off my suit jacket and heels...
Oh, you were right. You will make my semi-comfortable pose uncomfortable and unnatural. Thanks.
Oops, I just blinked. Don't blink, don't blink... blink. Aack.
Wait, let me guess: just tip my head down and left a little more.
You think facing the other way may make me more photogenic? Thanks, that's encouraging.
How many pictures did you just take with that strand of hair visibly out of place.
I think my face may freeze in this fake half-smile.
Look into the light, look into the light. I thought I wasn't supposed to go toward the light.
It isn't that hard to scroll back and forth between the pictures for me to review them. Oh, this is a new camera? Great.
Hmmm... I've never seen my nose look that wide before.
You think you've got it? Thank goodness!

Habits

2008-09-18T10:44:00.001-06:00

At my last job, the company charged for soda: $0.45 each. That is awfully steep for a can from Sam's Club or Costco, even if they were brand name, but that is beside the point. Knowing I had to pay for one made it very easy for me to stick with the glass of tap water on my desk. But the benefits were more than financial because who needs the health detriments from drinking soda everyday?

My new job provides drinks of all types in the well-stocked fridge. So far I've mostly stuck to my tap water habit, but I have been tempted in the afternoons for a little burst of sugar. After just a couple of cans to satisfy those cravings in the last couple weeks, I've discovered the desire for soda starting earlier and talking to me just a little louder every day.

Being bad is good

2008-09-09T08:32:00.002-06:00

I had dinner with my dad and brother last night. I really debated having a salad, and kind of regretted not getting at least a side salad when I was eating my brother's cucumbers and tomatoes from his salad and then watching my dad enjoy his cobb salad.

I called my dad's office a few minutes ago to be sure he had gotten my brother's message that he was sick and wouldn't be coming by my dad's office this morning to help him because he wasn't feeling well. When my dad's secretary answered, she told me that my dad had gone home this morning because he also wasn't feeling well - also blaming it on last night's salad. Thank goodness I was bad! ;-)

Thursday Thirteen: NFL edition!

2008-09-04T11:46:00.002-06:00

One of the ways I knew I'd made the right choice about my recent job change was discovering my new company had an active football pool.
And a baby pool wagering on when a pregnant staff member would give birth.
Imagine how excited I was to discover there were three ways to participate in the football pool(s)!
I don't have gambling problem - I swear! ;-)
I joined a football pool for the first time at my first job because I genuinely enjoy professional football. I didn't realize the $35 I spent was the best investment I could make to make connections with my coworkers.
I have been known to tell soon-to-be or newly graduated female engineers that participating in sports pools like this is a investment in the future of their career.
At my second job, one of my good friends and I printed the results from company football pool every week, highlighted the winners, and kept them all posted on our wall.
That was one of our many ongoing morale-type projects... we also chose one word each week to post to expand our team's vocabulary, and kept a list of memorable quotes said by our teammates and other coworkers.
I'm playing fantasy football for the first time this year. Mostly because my boyfriend organized the fantasy league and promised to help me maintain my team.
I was really tempted to draft a high school classmate of mine who is an NFL tight end--but restrained myself when I saw how low his fantasy ranking is!
I almost had to do my first trade already after Saturday's roster deadline, but thankfully the player who had been cut found another team. What a relief!
I am not a fan of Thursday games. I always have a hard time remembering to turn in my picks prior to the start of those games!
Also, I am a little annoyed with the NFL scheduler: I am trying to be good and go to bed earlier now that I have an earlier work schedule and having my team be part of the 2nd half of the opening Monday night doubleheader is going to make that very difficult!

How fitting!

2008-07-29T17:56:00.003-06:00

The t-shirt the janitor at my engineering firm is wearing today reads:

MATH MAJOR
(I like nice figures)

Why today must be Monday

2008-07-21T17:22:00.004-06:00

My desk is exhibit A:

Now look more closely:

Yes, that's how my work computer looks right now. Even the IT guys have given up on it for the moment. And that's how I know it has been Monday all day.

Thursday thirteen: Engineering is a laugh a minute

2008-07-17T18:29:00.002-06:00

The funniest geeky thing I've seen in ages: http://science-professor.blogspot.com/2008/07/fsp-jr.html?showComment=1216308720000#c8632116694516314299
One of my friends sent this to me today--I used to have a copy of it on my college hard drive. I hadn't thought of it in ages.
And I made my mom laugh with this one a few weeks ago.
You know what finally dawned on me yesterday morning? My male colleagues can't wear shorts to work, but I can wear skirts and dresses! There are a few advantages of professional dress codes for women!
Not only can we wear skirts or dresses, but most of the time we are viewed as dressing more professionally when we do.
This might seem like an obvious fact of life, but the combination of the hot and dry weather right now and that this office is the first I've worked in where I didn't have to dress like an eskimo in the summer, is finally allowing me to enjoy my non-pants wardrobe!
One of my coworkers just stopped by and mentioned that he is going biking after work. He was telling us that he can be on his bike by 5:45 and bike for nearly 3 hours before the light gets bad. And all I was thinking was how he has a baby that is less than six months old that he probably doesn't see at all on days that he bikes after work.
Somehow I don't think that's what our other coworker who was involved in the conversation was thinking of.
I can't believe tomorrow is Friday already. Are you sure we didn't lose a day?
I had to send a letter overnight to meet a deadline tomorrow. I always somewhat marvel at overnight mail services. That is a lot of processing and organizing to do overnight.
Imagine living in the era when mail had to travel on horseback, or even was limited to trucks rather than airplanes. Crazy.
It is amazing how happy being able to cook, particularly with fresh vegetables out of a garden makes me.
Gotta go so I can stop by said garden to get more!

Another letter to D

2008-07-10T18:23:00.002-06:00

Another morning, another reminder of you. Today it was "Torn". The imagery of the song is always lost on me because instead I picture the bluffs of Nebraska as we drove along in your "little red roller skate". Somehow it is extra fitting since I'm off on a road trip with my boyfriend F this weekend.

Two kisses

2008-07-09T18:56:00.003-06:00

D,

I heard a new song on the radio this morning: "I Kissed A Girl" - Katy Perry. Have you heard it yet? I'm sure you know what it reminded me of.

Late that long ago Saturday night--actually very early Easter morning--you leaned across the divide between the driver and passenger's seats and kissed me for the first time. The next day you called your best friend and told her about our kiss with a song--playing that one with that same title, the one sung by Jill Sobule.

When we were still together I used to listen to that song while I was away at college, smiling when I heard it. I assume it still exists on my college computer, dusty in storage now, but apparently the memory is fresher than I thought.

-Angie

Put down

2008-06-28T00:15:00.001-06:00

My mom just called me. She and my dad are coming back from his secretary's wedding and she wanted to let me know the details for the family reunion tomorrow. Of course that isn't the only subject she brought up.

"It was a beautiful wedding," she says. "I have so much stuff to show you from the wedding."

"Really?" I ask passively.

"Beautiful but costly. Luckily the bride and groom are well-to-do so they can afford the money they poured into it."

And there it is... just a few sentences and I feel inferior to a girl I don't even like. Oh, I just can't wait for the hour-long drive to the reunion tomorrow.

Returning from vacation... a Thursday Thirteen

2008-06-26T23:59:00.000-06:00

1. I always joke that I wonder if vacations are worth the work before you can go and to catch up when you get back.
2. Obviously a joke... they are so worth it.
3. And you know you've had a good vacation when you can barely remember your job.
4. Unfortunately that made Monday that much harder.
5. I finally managed to get back into the swing of things in time for today's two deadlines.
6. Thank goodness.
7. Driving back tonight after my meetings, I was reminded that I miss where I used to live.
8. I miss my friends who live there. Although I did get to see one tonight!
9. I also miss the mountains.
10. Thank goodness getting there is on the list of things to do this summer.
11. Yes, there is a list of things to do this summer.
12. Speaking of... I should probably start cracking on the list.
13. How did it get to be almost July already?

Thursday Thirteen - Vacation Edition

2008-06-12T15:58:00.003-06:00

Thirteen things I'm thinking about as I get ready to leave on vacation tonight:
1. Where is my bathing suit? Still missing after I've looked everywhere for it.
2. Don't forget to put more business cards in my purse or carry on.
3. I know business cards seem like a weird thing to bring on vacation, but this is one of those multi-purpose trips--some vacation, some kind-of work.
4. You should see the suitcase I'm bringing--wrestling onto my bathroom scale to check whether it needed a diet last night after midnight was tons of fun.
5. I probably should have put in some kind of gift bag for my cousin's graduation gift.
6. Did I mention I'm also seeing my cousin graduate from college?
7. After the frantic preparation for this trip in the last 24 hours, I need some time at the beach!
8. Oh wait, I'll probably get some. :)
9. Have you ever had a coworker tell you that he felt sorry for you because your vacation isn't as cool as his?
10. Well, he is going kayaking in Alaska, so I guess it is okay. :)
11. Stealing the organizational prowess of my friend BLB, I've got a folder and two manilla envelopes going with me.
12. Think I'll do the busy work in one of the manilla envelopes instead of buying a trashy magazine for the plane? ;-)
13. I always bring too much stuff to fill my non-existent down time for trips.

Return of the Mommi

2008-04-17T16:20:00.002-06:00

"Close your eyes," my mom said to my brother as she came downstairs in her pajamas, carrying a load of laundry she was going to put in.

"I could just look away," he replied.

"Actually," I said as I looked up more than six inches to meet his eyes, "you could just not look down." We all laughed. My mom tried to seem indignant even though there is no disputing my brother's height advantage.

"Yeah Mom, if I don't look down, it is more like a blonde blob bobbing in front of me. Kind of like a blonde ewok." I laughed, encouraging him. He continued, "We'll get you a vest, a spear and a hood and we can call you 'Mum Mum'."

Players

2008-04-02T14:57:00.002-06:00

One of my coworkers burst out, "Why do some people even bother giving you their numbers?"

"What do you mean?"

"If they are just screening their calls and sending everything to voice mail, why bother?"

"Actually, that is what productivity experts recommend," I helpfully pointed out.

"Maybe for people who are having all the information demanded from them, but for me, trying to collect the information, I would spend all my time playing phone tag if I didn't take my call." I had to concede his point. "It's like dating," he concluded. "Someone is always playing games."

Wrong side

2008-03-28T11:19:00.002-06:00

When I was in middle school, I used to daydream that the school should provide us with little cars to drive around the building. While that would be fun, the major impetus in my mind was that then we would all have to follow the traffic laws--waiting at stoplights at the intersections between hallways, staying on the appropriate side of the hallway, and signalling to cross the hallway to access your locker. I could've used that structure yesterday.

I was turning the corner as I returned to my office yesterday afternoon. I was thinking about my weekend plans, completely lost in thought, and didn't notice my coworker walking towards me until he said my name mere inches from me. I shrieked in surprise, stopping just short of running into him. I giggled nervously and apologized. My coworker laughed and we carefully passed each other on our way to our separate destinations.

Another coworker approached me a little later when I was up getting water. "So who'd you almost run into in the hallway?" When I told him, he smiled. "Was he on his side of the road?"

"No, he wasn't."

"Well, he is from Canada--maybe he isn't used to our driving laws yet."

Workland security

2008-03-26T11:00:00.003-06:00

My boss and I were commiserating over the ridiculous filing system at my job--basically a random four-digit number assigned to each project.

"It is impossible to find anything without the master list!" she complained.

"There is one good thing about it," I replied. "Terrorists won't be able to find anything either!"

Dreaming of you

2008-03-25T11:13:00.002-06:00

I came slowly awake at nearly 1am mumbling in response to something you said. My eyes shot open when I realized that I must've fallen asleep talking to you. I realized that I didn't have my cell phone in my hand. I began patting around my body, searching sightlessly in the dark for my small black phone.

My feelings of panic increased and I began to widen my search area, hopping out of bed and patting all the bedcovers. I turned my head to the side and saw the small appliance, neatly plugged in and placed on the corner of my bedside table. Seeing it reminded me of you sweetly saying goodnight to me, and my sleepy struggle to plug the charger into the small hole on its base.

I love talking to you in the dark before I fall asleep, but apparently last night I loved it so much that I dreamt it continued after I burrowed into my blankets and fell asleep.

Open letter

2008-03-24T09:32:00.003-06:00

They played that Madonna song yesterday afternoon--you all know which one. I turned the volume in my car up to insanely loud and it instantly transported me back to all those late nights in hotel bars, the way all the women in the chapter would run onto the floor when the DJ played it. Dates and friends practically shoved out of the way, everyone singing along at the top of their voices--just like I was in my own car. In a way, that song should've been further proof that as an adviser, I was an outsider. But I always loved hearing it--audible proof of the sisterhood that I spend hours every week fostering and encouraging. One tradition that never changed during those 5 years, that I never had reservations about.

I'd do it again in a heartbeat. That song will always take me there.

Proof

2008-03-20T11:20:00.003-06:00

We had an insurance presentation at lunch today. The presenter started out giving away a stuffed, quacking duck and promised us more prizes if we could answer her "quiz questions" at the end.

Fast forward to the end... the guy next to me got his small stuffed duck and the only prize left was a drink cozy to keep a can cold. One thing you probably don't know about me is that I don't really drink anything that come out of a can--not soda and not beer, so I have no use for that cozy. But who spoke up first? Me. I just have to prove that I know the answer.

Today

2008-03-19T10:49:00.003-06:00

When my alarm went off this morning I thought, "Yay, it's Friday--I can just toss on a pair of jeans and go."

Then I realized it wasn't Friday. "Oh well, Thursday means the week is almost over."

And as my brain cleared a little more? "It's Wednesday? No, can't I just sleep until the week is over?"

Career change

2008-03-14T16:07:00.003-06:00

I was standing at the copier, alongside our marketing director, when another engineer walked up to me and asked, "How's the modeling going?"

I started to reply when our marketing director began to laugh heartily. I broke off my reply and we both turned to stare at her. She put her hand on my shoulder and through her giggles, explained, "For a minute I thought he was talking about your new career."

"Of course," I laughed. "I'm on my way to being a supermodel."

The other engineer laughed and then tried to get back on track, "How's the sewer modelling?" He started to laugh. "That's even worse," he said as he demonstrated the Vanna White moves necessary to model with sewer pipes. We discussed business for a moment and as I was leaving, I began to laugh again. "Too bad I'm not a transportation engineer."

"Why?"

"Because then I'd be doing runway modeling!"

Airmail

2008-02-26T10:06:00.002-07:00

I was leaving my office last night when I heard a window open two or three stories up on the apartment building next to me. I glanced up momentarily but kept walking forward--and thank goodness I did! A moment later I heard a splat behind me and turned around to see beautiful cut tulips and baby's breath that had narrowly missed hitting me!

Note #2 to my boyfriend

2008-02-25T13:34:00.002-07:00

Ways to endear yourself to your girlfriend...

insist that at next year's Oscars you'll get a sponsorship from McDonald's and feed all the starving actresses on the red carpet.

See note 1.

Warm gesture

2008-02-12T13:39:00.001-07:00

Y and I were joining our friend BLB and her family for dinner two nights before her wedding, along with the newly arrived groom and his family. Her groom came through the door of her childhood home first, followed closely by his brother and parents. He made the necessary introductions first, then hurried over to where BLB was standing with us. He reached out and handed her a box of heating pads.

"I know how these help when you're stressed out, when your shoulders get tight, so I brought them for you."

She thanked him and leaned in for a kiss. Seeing his thoughtfulness, I had even more confidence that their marriage would work.

Thursday Thirteen

2008-02-07T11:36:00.001-07:00

1. Today it sounds like there is someone in heels pacing around in the office above mine.
2. This would be strange because it is a male electrical engineer who has that office.
3. I keep two fleece jackets and a cardigan in my office because it is always cold.
4. I've taken to using one of the jackets as a lap blanket under my desk.
5. I decide which jacket to use that way by deciding which looks more like the pants I'm wearing.
6. I would love a space heater, but we aren't allowed to have them. One of the women I worked with at my first job had a space heater--walking into her workspace was like visiting the tropics.
7. I'm having lunch today with one of my high school classmates—the one who planned this summer's reunion--so I made sure to dress extra cute.
8. When I was at the reunion, one of our classmates commented to me that she thought I should plan the next one.
9. She seemed drunk, so I just laughed and agreed.
10. The purpose of today's lunch is to get the files and basically be transitioned so I can organize the next one.
11. I think I'm a little crazy to agree to take this on, but I think I could do just as good a job, if not better.
12. I do have one friend who has already agreed to help and we have plans in place to get more help.
13. My friend and I also have a secret weapon—her dad has been part of his reunion committee for years for his class from our high school!

Quote of the night

2008-02-06T18:46:00.001-07:00

I get goosebumps:

"I want to thank all my friends and family, particularly my mother, who was born before women could vote, and is watching her daughter on this stage tonight."
-- Presidential candidate Sen. Hillary Clinton, Super Tuesday night

Quote for the day

2008-02-06T11:10:00.001-07:00

Today AfricanKelli posted about a book that touched her, and I was immediately drawn in by the quotes she posted, including the one below:

"You could be all the traditional feminine things — a mother, a lover, a listener, a nurturer — and you could also be critically astute and radical and have a minority opinion that was profoundly moral. You could escape the fate of your mother, become who you were born to be, and succeed in the world without having to participate in traditionally male terms — without hardness, coldness, one-upmanship, without having to compete and come out the winner." -- From Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott

Watching the Super Bowl

2008-02-05T10:36:00.001-07:00

Of course the topic of watching the Super Bowl was very big at breakfast last Friday. One of my coworkers said, "Yeah, I might just record it on my DVR and then watch it on fast forward. That way I can stop to watch any good plays."

"What about the commercials?" I asked.

"They haven't been very good in the last few years, although my finger always stops the fast forwarding whenever I see an attractive woman. I just can't help it!"

Clever boy

2008-01-28T11:55:00.001-07:00

My family and I were walking out of the arena after the rodeo ended and my brother said:
"Now that the rodeo's over, guess what's gonna come out and spread nice fresh dirt in the rodeo ring? A Zamdirti."

Too early to be understood

2008-01-25T09:53:00.001-07:00

Overheard at work this morning:

"My coach's son had the 5A rushing title when he was a senior."

"What kind of a title?"

"Rushing."

"Oh, I thought you said 'Russian'. I was thinking, 'What is that: czar?'"

Dropping a hint

2008-01-04T21:41:00.000-07:00

We watched the ball drop on New Year's Eve as we waited to toast 2008. After the ball dropped and we clinked glasses, the camera panned away from the ball and we watched the crowd as we discussed whether we would ever want to pass New Year's Eve in Times Square. The camera passed over a couple, the man on his knees, clearly proposing to his girlfriend.

"See, he shouldn't do that," I piped up. "What if she says no on national television? That would be an embarassing and unhappy start to the new year."

"That's true," F's sister agreed. "Did she say no?"

"No, she accepted the ring," I conveyed as they kissed in celebration.

Tuned out

2008-01-02T17:03:00.000-07:00

The guys were talking college sports when I went downstairs for lunch at work today. I wanted to read my book, so I only added a couple comments. As the last one was heading upstairs, he commented,"Here we've been disturbing you when all you were trying to do was read your book."

I looked up at him and joked, "My boyfriend works in sports radio, I'm very practiced at tuning out sports talk that doesn't interest me."

Town crier

2007-12-23T02:24:00.000-07:00

Thursday another engineer and I were waiting for our clients to arrive for a meeting when he turned to me. "You'll be hearing about your PE (professional engineering certification exam) results soon, won't you?"

"Oh, I don't think I'll hear about them until January."

"No," he mildly corrected me. "I know they always release the results right before the end of the year because I found out I passed on December 30th."

Talking about it took me back to when I found out that I passed my first certification exam. It was the day after Christmas about five years ago and I'd just gotten home from work. I hadn't been home in a few days since I'd been away for the holiday and I saw the envelope from the certification organization as I flipped through the mail. I pulled out and my stomach knotted. It was such a thin envelope--if this was anything like college admission letters, it would be a bad sign. I laid the envelope on the table for a moment, gathering my courage to rip through that envelope. Finally the suspense was too much and I pulled the letter out, skimming over the first few lines without comprehension. Pass--73!! Success!! I squealed and starting literally jumping up and down. I just couldn't contain my excitement. Without setting the letter down or even taking my eyes off it, I rushed over to the phone to start calling everyone I could think of.

Imagine my surprise when I came across the letter this time as I flipped through my Saturday mail after a late date with my boyfriend. Again the thin envelope frightened me, but this time I buoyed my confidence remembering that I would need a thicker envelope to contain a report about why I failed, but I simultaneously tried to keep my expectations reasonable. Still, as I pulled the letter out of the envelope I silently chanted, "Pass, pass, pass..." Again I skimmed incomprehensably over the first few lines until I saw it: Pass!!!

Paid in blood

2007-12-14T15:47:00.000-07:00

"Do you know where the batteries are?" I asked the accounting clerk.

"Sure," she said. "Do you need approval to get them or anything?"

"I don't think so."

"Not even a drop of blood?" she joked.

"Well, I'll email the appropriate person to let her know I took them, just in case."

"Can you send blood over email?"

"No, but that way she can come prick me in my office."

Odds

2007-12-13T13:47:00.000-07:00

F called me yesterday morning. "Guess what?"

"What?"

"Your grandmother and mine are next door to each other," he informed me. I laughed. "I was going to send flowers up to your grandmother's room and I discovered they were right next door to each other."

Which odds are better: that they would place our grandmothers next door to each other or that I'd get such a thoughtful boyfriend?

Still more good news: Both grandmothers have been moved out of recovery, unfortunately ending their stay as neighbors, but they both seem to be doing well.

Freaked out

2007-12-11T11:37:00.000-07:00

This song came on, just after taking a call from my mom as she followed an ambulance to hospital with my grandmother in the back.

I know that my grandmother does everything right--eating well, walking with her dog twice day, and has barely been sick a day in her life. This situation should have a positive outcome. But I'm still waiting on pins and needles. Please think positive thoughts for my grandmother.

While you're sharing those positive thoughts, please spare some for F's grandmother and R's father who are both having surgery or preparing for surgery today.

Good news: my grandmother's appendix ruptured but it has been removed and she seems to be doing well in recovery. F's grandmother is also out of surgery and doing well so far. Ironically they'll be recovering in the same hospital for the next week.

Please keep R's father in your thoughts while he's under the knife today.

Misunderstanding

2007-12-10T09:28:00.000-07:00

I joined F's family for a Hanukkah breakfast yesterday morning. My mom asked me about it afterward and I explained that this breakfast was their primary celebration this year, they were even foregoing gifts.

"Oh, so they celebrate Christmas?" she asked.

"No," I answered. "Hanukkah isn't a major Jewish holiday..."

"I know," she interrupted.

"And they've just gotten away from giving gifts since their kids have grown up." I finished.

"Oh. So, have you guys talked about the holidays?" she asked.

I paused. "We have." I answered. I opened my mouth to say more and discovered it was suddenly dry. "We decided, since neither of us are very..." I faltered, "that neither of us have any objections to celebrating two religions that we could celebrate at least traditions from both." I looked down. "We haven't decided which one we would raise our, um, children in, so that's still a big question hanging out there."

Now it was her turn to be silent. "I meant whether you'd talked about celebrating the holidays."

"Oh," I said, embarrassed. "We thought we'd kind of just see how this month went. I told him I might be able to wrangle him an invitation to Christmas dinner."

"Sure," she said.

Weird

2007-12-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

Is it weird that after F and I finally had our talk about religion, the person I really wanted to talk to about it was PJ?

When I told him about our conversation, now a couple of weeks removed, PJ asked if it would be weird for him to offer his help.

And the weirdest thing was that it wasn't weird at all to discuss that topic with him.

Workin on the railroad

2007-12-06T00:45:00.001-07:00

Plans from railroad
Originally uploaded by angineer

The as-built drawings I got from the railroad were longer than I am. And way way older too.

High praise

2007-12-05T11:18:00.000-07:00

From my intense coworker: "You're on target."

I almost fainted dead away or danced out of his office. Almost.

Dinner bell

2007-12-04T13:42:00.000-07:00

I know why companies choose pizza to serve during mandatory staff lunch meetings. It isn't because it is easy and cheap--it is because the pervasive scent of hot pizza will call even the most reluctant participants into the meeting.

Symbols

2007-12-03T13:33:00.001-07:00

The instructor's shirt had the top button undone and through the open collar a thin gold chain and heavy cross shone against his dark chest hair.

Seeing this, I vividly remembered pushing the neckline of PJ's t-shirt aside with my fingers, my nails lightly scraping over his golden skin and sliding through his coarse chest hair and along his angular collarbone. I slid my index finger under the heavy gold chain that always hung around his neck, tracing over the smooth skin that the chain normally rested on, slowing when I got to the large Star of David pendant. As the pendant flopped over my finger, my stomach tightened.

I wondered whether it was a gift upon his Bar Mitzvah or graduation, but, symptomatic of our communication issues, I never asked. Just as I never asked whether our religious differences would keep us from having a future together.

Trees and stars

2007-11-30T12:14:00.000-07:00

As F and I drive past some territory very familiar to me, I point out the window at the star that this town will begin lighting soon to commemorate the holiday season. F remarks that a star is a fairly safe symbol to put up and I agree.

Then he says, "Just so you know, it wouldn't bother me if you put a Christmas tree. It isn't really a religious symbol."

"I know, it's originally a pagan tradition," I agreed. "I'm glad you wouldn't mind a tree because I've been collecting ornaments for years and I'd hate to have to get rid of them." But something gave away my anxiety about that conversation--the way I covered our clasped hands with my other hand or the way my whole body tensed up.

F waited for a minute--maybe hoping we'd continue the conversation--and then gave me his patented reassuring statement: "We can have this conversation whenever you're ready. And I don't think that anything will come up that we can't handle." I nodded my head and then waiting just a minute before I changed the subject.

Thanksgiving snapshot

2007-11-27T10:38:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday night my dad and his mother were working together to get a mincemeat pie in the oven for Thanksgiving. He had already carefully placed the top crust on it when he realized they had forgotten to put a little butter between the filling and crust.

"No problem," he said, cutting a large semicircle in the top crust. With his mom carefully pulling up the flap of crust, they inserted pats of butter under the edges of the dough.

"I feel like I'm watching a pie autopsy," my brother observed. "It's like 'CS: Pie.'"

TRL: Christmas cookies

2007-11-14T17:17:00.001-07:00

When I was growing up, in addition to Christmas songs and oyster stew at my grandmother's house on Christmas Eve, there was one other thing you could count on: many homemade traditional desserts. It wasn't surprising to follow up our rich dinner with fudge, divinity, and the piece de resistance: Christmas cookies.

As my grandmother and her grandchildren have all grown older, the task of making of these Christmas treats has fallen more and more to the younger generations. Instead of waiting for her to make them just prior to Christmas, while we're all together during Thanksgiving weekend my siblings and I share the task of stirring the fudge and we pull out the cookie cutters my dad remembers from his childhood.

A couple of Thanksgivings ago, I woke up late the morning after Thanksgiving, and headed toward the kitchen. When I got there, I discovered nearly 10 people crowded around the island in the kitchen. My dad and his brother stood on one side, rolling out sugar cookie dough while people on the other side wielded knifes and sprinkles, frosting the finished products. As my aunt and grandmother made more dough and frosting, the army of family who were frosting cookies called out suggestions to my dad and uncle about which cookie shapes they should cut out next. When my mom requested a cookie that they didn't have a cutter for, my dad custom-sculpted that cookie shape for her.

If anyone had turned to me at that moment and asked what I wanted, I would've answered that I didn't want anything more than what I had in that moment.

Getting well

2007-11-05T16:59:00.001-07:00

One more sign I need to kick this cold that's lingering for a third week: right after I coughed, the lifelong smoker in the next office coughed--and our coughs were indistinguishable!

Thank heaven for little girls

2007-11-01T15:45:00.000-06:00

My friend Y used to love to tease me about my pattern of dating older men. Her favorite line: "Of course you haven't met anyone recently--have you tried nursing homes?"

Mathematically I've actually dated more men my own age than significantly older men, but between having my first relationship with someone much older and my friends' good-natured teasing, I internalized the idea that I had a predilection for older men. That personal expectation explains why I was a little uncomfortable this weekend when we celebrated F's birthday and I was confronted with reminders that he is actually a few months younger than I am.

I realize that a few months is insignificant in the grand scheme of life. Even the year that separates our respective graduations is insignificant at this point. It just grates against my internal expectations to see him get the same birthday greetings I've already received. I'm sure in time my expectations will change and this will all be forgotten. Or maybe I'll heed Y and head to a nursing home to pick up someone new that meets my expectations.

Revealing truths

2007-10-31T15:56:00.001-06:00

My boyfriend and I were hanging out at his parents' house last night. Something was said and his mom started talking about the Halloween costumes he wore as a kid and dragged out the photo albums to illustrate her stories.

Sitting next to her on the floor in their living room, I leaned over the photos and was surprised at how eager I was to see these new images of the man next to me. F sat behind me, watching over my shoulder and adding an occasional remark to her narration.

First she found a picture of him as John Elway, not surprising considering he grew up in Denver too. I giggled at how complete his costume was: helmet, jersey, short pants and knee socks. I turned my head and smiled at F, before turning back for the pictures of him as a pirate and as Superman (a favorite character of mine!).

Soon she came across a picture of him in an elaborate Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume. Squinting at the pictures of him, I asked him which TMNT he was. Without giving him a chance to answer, I caught a glimpse of the buckle on the belt of the costume and said, "Oh, you were Michelangelo." "No, that's an R.," he pointed out indignantly. "I was Raphael."

His arm stayed over my shoulder after his gesture and now his breath was near my ear as his mom flipped backwards through his life, searching for the piece de resistance. I found out this weekend that F had a love of Snoopy when he was young, so it was a kindergarten-aged F dressed as Snoopy that made up our last stop along memory lane. His mom found the pictures she was looking for and began to describe the costume, from the floppy ears to the gloves with paw prints on the palms, but it was the emotion of the story that drew me in. She smiled as she reminisced that he just beamed all day when he got to wear his Snoopy costume, and her smile turned bittersweet when she said that she couldn't bear to give the costume away when he outgrew it.

Seeing her emotion and feeling F's arms wrapped around me, my heart began to overflow with my feelings for him. I grinned at the images of him in the Snoopy costume and the adjacent holiday pictures of him in a child-sized suit. I also felt a flutter lower than my heart, reflecting my curiosity about whether we could have a son that looked like that.

Spooky weather

2007-10-30T15:29:00.000-06:00

Late last week I knew the meteorologists were lying to me. Well, in Colorado that isn’t hard—if his or her mouth is open, they’re probably going to be wrong. But in this case they were being malicious, allowing young children to believe that the weather might be nice for trick-or-treating.

I trick-or-treated for almost 18 years in Colorado—I speak from experience when I say that the weather can be nice on October 30th and November 1st, but any freak weather occurrence in the US will find its way here before trick-or-treating starts. It can even be nice that morning for school costume parades (although that’s unlikely), but mark my words that it will snowing, hailing, very windy and/or raining before the candy gathering starts.

Striking midnight

2007-10-29T16:14:00.001-06:00

The problem with being a Cinderella team is that when the clock strikes midnight, the coach is gone, the horses are mice, the dress is rags and all you're left with are some glass slippers. But you have some pretty great memories too!

Ways to get the giggles

2007-10-09T19:31:00.001-06:00

1. Call a used DVD store to find out if they have "Spice World" on DVD.

Seen

2007-10-05T12:52:00.000-06:00

Bumper sticker:
Save an elk, Shoot a land developer

Scent of a man

2007-10-03T11:36:00.001-06:00

They say scent is the sense that will most vividly retrieve memories for us. They also say that we're attracted to potential mates by their scent.

I first noticed a man's scent after Ants kissed me goodnight in one of my very first kisses. As I drove home that night I could just faintly detect his scent on my letter jacket.

For years after my breakup with D I knew that I would be able to identify him in a dark room just by the way he smelled--loving and tender, with just a hint of innocence.

One of the proctors for my GMAT wore the same cologne S did when we were together. It was so distracting to me that I was relieved when he was assigned to sit outside the room while we took our test.

Now it is F's scent that I smell on my clothes when I get home at night. My perception of his scent has changed since we started seeing each other. He still smells clean, but he also smells warm and solid.

I know that my perceptions of his scent are reflections of our deepening relationship. I'm glad for the ways that it has already changed, curious to see how it continues to change, and wondering if I'm ignoring messages that part of me already knows.

Volunteer copy editor

2007-09-14T13:39:00.000-06:00

From the regional vice president of a national organization:

"This is a great start to get to meat and gear up for another successful year."

Considering this was an advertisement for a BBQ, shouldn't it have been?

"This is a great start to get meat and gear up for another successful year."

This is just a test

2007-08-28T16:15:00.001-06:00

Do you ever wonder if one of your coworkers is testing you?

This morning I was "on" a conference call with one of my superiors. As he dialed to gather the participants, I went to alert the receptionist that we were waiting for a call from one other attendee. A moment after I returned, the additional attendee called in and my coworker began to discuss the business for the call--still holding the phone to his ear. I sat there dumbfounded for a moment before I began to frantically scribble notes from his side of the call--the only part of the conversation I could hear. I was still watching him intently, mulling over how to discreetly suggest he put the phone on speaker, when the call ended just a few minutes later.

After the call ended, I went over my notes with him to be sure I correctly understood everything. I will admit I am somewhat intimidated by this intense individual, so I didn't even say directly that I needed to check the call notes because I couldn't hear the other side of the conversation. And I kept wondering to myself if he was testing me--trying to see if I would stick up for myself.

If he was, I failed.

Sweet guys

2007-08-24T11:37:00.000-06:00

I remembered, out of nowhere, a conversation I'd had back in college about a man I'd been thinking of dating. Describe him, my best friend had said. I'd giggled and said, He's sweet. And she'd looked at me very seriously, taken my hands, and said, Corazon, sweet men are only sexy until you realize that they're too weak to hurt you. I hadn't agreed with her--still didn't, in some ways--but there was no denying that dangerous men had a visceral attraction.

(Heat Stroke, Rachel Caine, 291)

Sun damage

2007-08-13T16:19:00.001-06:00

It is difficult to take my coworker seriously today, even when he has sworn off the resort polo shirts, when he has a completely white band across the top of his forehead contrasting with his swarthly tan face. Now I know what leaves worse tan lines than ski goggles--motorcycle helmets.

Necessary clarification

2007-08-10T11:29:00.001-06:00

Chiller for office HVAC system is not working today. If I'd have known before I came in, perhaps I'd have joined the (literally) 12 people who are out today.

While I was downstairs loading up on ice, I ran into our newest employee. "You're lucky," I said. "It is much cooler in the basement."

"It is?" He asked. "That's why it's where my TV is."

Following my surprised stare, he finished that thought. "At home."

The right way

2007-08-09T17:36:00.000-06:00

With both my Dad and Lisa's parents here, I asked Lisa to join me on a walk through Watson's Bay (which was the site of our first walk together last December). We reminisced about our first date, how much we've grown together, and how much we're looking forward to our future together. We then sat, overlooking Sydney's inner harbour, and with the sun setting beside us, and a gentle wind blowing across our faces, I got down on one knee, and asked Lisa to marry me.

The best part is...she said yes!!!

PJ proposed the right way. Lisa wasn't surprised--they've been shopping for a ring together. He chose a setting that had personal meaning to them and enabled them to feel alone, even in a public place. He even managed to statisfy my traditional side with the mention of their parents being in the city, all while conforming to stereotypic romantic ideals.

Consider this a primer on how to do it the right way.

Postscript

2007-08-09T17:35:00.000-06:00

But while writing this entry, the thought popped into my head unbidden: if that was his perfect proposal to me, he would've knelt down alongside a trail at Forest Park, the site of our first walk and first date.

Definition

2007-08-02T17:19:00.001-06:00

Irony: Your most intense coworker wearing items of clothing every day that discreetly advertise his favorite vacation spot.

True Colorado girl

2007-08-01T15:14:00.000-06:00

Bliss

2007-07-23T12:27:00.000-06:00

We sat companionably in silence as we enjoyed our Sunday night ritual. You were reading in one armchair as I sat also reading in the other, just across the small end table from you. Slightly hunched over the book in my lap as I sat sideways in my chair, the wide neckline of my sweater gapped away from neck and back. You stretched an arm across the table, laying your fingers over the top of my shoulder and lightly rubbing your thumb in a circle against my spine.

I lowered my head a little further, trying to encourage you. If I were a cat I would’ve purred but with my roommates in the common room with us, I was too shy to tell you that I was enjoying it and I knew I would break the contact if I turned my head to smile at you.

After just a couple enjoyable minutes, you pulled your arm away and the silence between us continued--the one moment of bliss better for never being analyzed or discussed.

Domestic goddess

2007-07-06T09:52:00.000-06:00

This apron may not be red, white and blue, but it would have been a fitting accessory for my fourth of July--I cooked scrambled eggs and sausage for breakfast, assembled chicken salad and cheese sandwiches for lunch, cut veggies, made potato salad--my family mistaken believed it might be okay to buy some until I corrected them--and I frosted our easy version of this cake.

If you'd like to dress like a domestic goddess, you can enter to win the above apron or use the code from that post to get 10% off.

Singing grace

2007-07-04T07:04:00.000-06:00

There are certain holidays each year that we celebrate with my dad’s family, the family that is too close to be described as extended but it would confuse other people if I described them as immediate family. As I’ve grown up I’ve learned that this closeness and these traditions aren’t “normal”.

Apparently most families don’t sing “God Bless America” every year before they sit down to hamburgers and hot dogs on the 4th of July. Every year my grandfather would start the family singing that song, despite the fact that he couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket. After my grandfather died, the responsibility fell to my mom.

So this year my mom will lead our cacophony of voices in "God Bless America" and I will be proud that we aren't your normal family.

Growing younger

2007-06-29T02:26:00.000-06:00

Maybe I'm going about this whole relationship thing backwards...

I never had a boyfriend in high school that was my age. The men I flirted with and dated were then the age that I am now. I avoided tentative kisses on the back porch and the other moves of a young partner. I learned about relationships from teachers instead of other students.

I feel that I failed when it was my turn to be the teacher and since that failure I've avoided that role. But now I find myself in a relationship that started with hesitant kisses by the back door and I wonder if I've entered my first high school relationship.

The other night I inadvertently revealed this concern; as we drove away from the other cars parked along neighborhood's edge, he remarked that it would be nice when we had more space to ourselves than just our cars. I laughed and said that high school students had been doing it since the invention of cars.

Wedding dresses

2007-06-04T14:06:00.001-06:00

Trying to find a dress for my ex-boyfriend's wedding:

First attempt--dress ordered off and returned to internet: $52 - $48 = $7

Second attempt--casual wrap dress still hanging in my closet waiting for a more casual summer outing: $42

Last dress--finally found it!: $148

Hearing his new wife tell me, "You look beautiful!": Priceless

I feel rain

2007-06-02T11:59:00.000-06:00

The rainy weather recently reminds me of our last morning together.

I woke up almost cold on the unfamiliar side of my bed with you as far from me as we could get in one bed. The mood between us never warmed up because I couldn't speak that day.

--------------

Do you remember that night? You called me and called me. I was sick and for the first time wouldn't pick up the phone when I knew you were on the other end. I heard your voice from the answering machine in the next room and just buried my head in my pillow. "I'm sick," I said to myself. "It's okay not to answer the phone because I'm sick. I have to take care of myself."

I finally listened to the messages you left a couple days later. You ended the last one with, "I love you, Angie." The only time I would ever you hear say those words was through a tinny answering machine speaker.

I didn't know how to reply to that message. Maybe you knew. Is that why you called me at the office? I couldn't have been more surprised than when you told me you were coming out to visit. You said we'd talk about that message when you saw me.

-------------------

I should have told you why I couldn't speak that day, but I couldn't squeeze any words past the lump in my throat. I was waiting for you to tell me if you loved me. I didn't ask. I guess I could have started the conversation, but I was waiting for you.

Our drive to the airport through the rain capped off that long, cold, silent day. That's why the recent rainy weather reminds me of you.

Individual responsibility

2007-05-31T14:59:00.001-06:00

When I was in college, sometimes before we went to parties, I would approach one of my best friends. "Don't let me flirt with T," I would say. But inevitably, once the lights were dimmed and the drinks were poured, I would be standing close to T sharing my best smiles and giggling flirtatiously. Sometimes one of those friends would pull me aside. "You told me not to let you flirt with T tonight," they would remind me. I always insisted that I was an adult and knew what I was doing, pulling my arm away from hers and striding back to T's side until I got the attention I was looking for.

Those nights it wasn't alcohol that removed my inhibitions--I had already shed my responsibility, leaving it puddled at my friends' feet.

As I face T's wedding this weekend, I am sorely tempted to lay my mixed feelings at the feet of those same friends. But then I picture the faces of my boyfriend and T's bride and I swallow my words, silently packing my responsibility in my luggage with the dress for Saturday's wedding.

Never say never

2007-05-25T16:46:00.000-06:00

A few minutes I ago I ran into a coworker at the top of the stairs. "Why don't you just call your roommate your boyfriend?" he blurted out. I blinked, surprised by his sudden question but not surprised that he had confirmed my belief he was attracted to me. "Because he isn't. But I am seeing someone else," I revealed, ending my careful use of the term "friend" and gender-neutral pronouns.

I'd never admitted to him that I was dating anyone.

Last night, as I walked up the street to meet him, I saw a man leaning against the rock wall. As he casually waited there, eyes cloaked behind sunglasses, I thought, "Wow, he looks good. I wish I was meeting him." And then he stepped away from the wall and smiled at me--it was my boyfriend F.

I've never seen him from that perspective before.

Two weeks ago I got teary at work thinking about the last sorority meeting I would attend as their chapter advisor. The more I thought about it, the clearer it became that I wanted someone to lean on that night while I faced that transition. So I actually told F that it was going to be hard for me and that I would appreciate his support. He gave up his evening to be downstairs during my last sorority meetings, ignored by most chapter members and scrutinized by the few I had told about his role in my life. After, he returned to my house with me--reading my speech I was giving the next day and supporting me with his presence.

I've never admitted to someone that I needed support, much less allowed them to give it to me.

After years of forcing our relationship to be "just friends" and never thinking of him in a romantic context, I told him I would date him.

I never thought it would be F that would help me push aside these other "nevers".

Wondering

2007-05-08T10:56:00.001-06:00

I toyed with the silver ring as we chatted last month, moving it from my right hand to my left and on and off my left thumb and ring finger. I barely noticed the way my hands were moving as I indulged the absent-minded habit. My hands paused and she glanced down at them.

"Getting used to wearing a ring on that finger?" she asked. I followed her gaze and realized the plain silver band had settled on my left ring finger, possibly mimicking a plain band of gold that might one day rest there permanently.

"Oh no, I just play with rings when I wear them," I quickly corrected her with a smile, as I made a show of moving the ring to my other hand.

This morning I grabbed that same ring out of my jewelry box. As I toy with the ring in between thoughts, I think back to her question and glance down at my hand, appraising how the ring looks on that significant finger and wondering what it would be like to have someone else place a ring there.

Magic dragons

2007-04-27T12:23:00.001-06:00

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee.

Little Jackie Paper loved that rascal Puff,
and brought him strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff.

When I was in kindergarten, I spent a lot of time at my best friend's house. Her dad is a folk singer and he used to sing to us sometimes when I visited. I think of him every time I see a Peter, Paul and Mary special on PBS, but there are two songs that I distinctly remember him singing to us: "Mares Eat Oats" and "Puff the Magic Dragon".

Together they would travel on a boat with billowed sail
Jackie kept a lookout perched on Puff's gigantic tail,
Noble kings and princes would bow whene'er they came,
Pirate ships would lower their flag when Puff roared out his name.

Listening to the lyrics then, I believed that Puff and that little boy really did have great travels together. I vividly pictured the kings that bowed to them and the pirate ships that cowered when they passed.

A dragon lives forever but not so little boys
Painted wings and giant rings make way for other toys.
One grey night it happened, Jackie Paper came no more
And Puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.

But soon my best friend and I were in different classes, and then different school, and I forgot about Jackie and Puff...

His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain,
Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane.
Without his life-long friend, Puff could not be brave,
So Puff that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave.

Until I discovered the magic of downloading music in college (legally, of course!). Now I have "Puff" on my iPod and I think of my best friend and her father every time it comes on. The magic of the internet also put me back in contact with my childhood friend, so I can admire the unique and amazing woman she grew up to be. But it wasn't until today that I realized that Jackie and Puff's adventures may have been through Jackie's imagination… but they'll always be real to me.

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee.