Am I too close?

Today is the first day that I have seriously considered giving up my position as chapter adviser for BΔ.

All along I've told myself and others that I couldn't really be friends with the chapter members, particularly the leaders that I work most closely with, because I needed to maintain that separation. I think that I've lost that separation. Twice in the past six months, three of which were summer vacation, I've felt the need to apologize for inappropriately interfering with an officer's authority in front of other chapter members. Also, three times in those same six months the chapter president has asked me not to attend an event or told me my presence wasn't needed. Each of these incidents has been tactfully or even pleasantly resolved as far as I can tell, but I think these may be an indicator that I have to give up control--learn to guide and advise versus manage--or give it up entirely.

I'm also seeing a stopping point ahead me because the class of seniors graduating this spring is the last class that can remember a time before I was an adviser and before I was ATC. The president that I'm working with now and her class of juniors was recruited during my first semester as ATC. If I can be better at guiding versus managing, I may stay on to see that first class graduate in May 2006. We'll see.

One very poignant reason for stepping back popped up today. I emailed one of the other advisers about a sorority issue and reminded her of a fun Saturday we spent doing nothing last fall. It was a great day. She wrote back and said she would love to do that again--she missed her friend. She's right--I haven't been much of a friend to most people I would consider friends this summer and fall. I've been delinquent about returning phone calls, and I haven't been the one sending any emails. I have completely scheduled my month of September without leaving time to see friends locally or catch up with friends who aren't local.

And I'm so tired. After thinking about it for a couple weeks, I marked two days off this month for me time. They both had tentative plans with organizations that I care about, but I hadn't yet committed to them so I took them off my calendar and put an all day event on to remind myself that day is time for myself. Ideally I will begin to mark one day off per week like that. Or maybe my schedule will calm itself naturally. One could hope.