Open letter

They played that Madonna song yesterday afternoon--you all know which one. I turned the volume in my car up to insanely loud and it instantly transported me back to all those late nights in hotel bars, the way all the women in the chapter would run onto the floor when the DJ played it. Dates and friends practically shoved out of the way, everyone singing along at the top of their voices--just like I was in my own car. In a way, that song should've been further proof that as an adviser, I was an outsider. But I always loved hearing it--audible proof of the sisterhood that I spend hours every week fostering and encouraging. One tradition that never changed during those 5 years, that I never had reservations about.

I'd do it again in a heartbeat. That song will always take me there.

Never say never

A few minutes I ago I ran into a coworker at the top of the stairs. "Why don't you just call your roommate your boyfriend?" he blurted out. I blinked, surprised by his sudden question but not surprised that he had confirmed my belief he was attracted to me. "Because he isn't. But I am seeing someone else," I revealed, ending my careful use of the term "friend" and gender-neutral pronouns.

I'd never admitted to him that I was dating anyone.

Last night, as I walked up the street to meet him, I saw a man leaning against the rock wall. As he casually waited there, eyes cloaked behind sunglasses, I thought, "Wow, he looks good. I wish I was meeting him." And then he stepped away from the wall and smiled at me--it was my boyfriend F.

I've never seen him from that perspective before.

Two weeks ago I got teary at work thinking about the last sorority meeting I would attend as their chapter advisor. The more I thought about it, the clearer it became that I wanted someone to lean on that night while I faced that transition. So I actually told F that it was going to be hard for me and that I would appreciate his support. He gave up his evening to be downstairs during my last sorority meetings, ignored by most chapter members and scrutinized by the few I had told about his role in my life. After, he returned to my house with me--reading my speech I was giving the next day and supporting me with his presence.

I've never admitted to someone that I needed support, much less allowed them to give it to me.

After years of forcing our relationship to be "just friends" and never thinking of him in a romantic context, I told him I would date him.

I never thought it would be F that would help me push aside these other "nevers".

Wondering

I toyed with the silver ring as we chatted last month, moving it from my right hand to my left and on and off my left thumb and ring finger. I barely noticed the way my hands were moving as I indulged the absent-minded habit. My hands paused and she glanced down at them.

"Getting used to wearing a ring on that finger?" she asked. I followed her gaze and realized the plain silver band had settled on my left ring finger, possibly mimicking a plain band of gold that might one day rest there permanently.

"Oh no, I just play with rings when I wear them," I quickly corrected her with a smile, as I made a show of moving the ring to my other hand.

This morning I grabbed that same ring out of my jewelry box. As I toy with the ring in between thoughts, I think back to her question and glance down at my hand, appraising how the ring looks on that significant finger and wondering what it would be like to have someone else place a ring there.

Turning the tables

Tonight I led an advisory board meeting for the sorority chapter that I advise. Normally I have an elaborate agenda planned out and spend the last few minutes before the chapter meeting starts at 7 trying to frantically finish up the last items before I rush to join the chapter in their meeting. Tonight, instead, our meeting was quite relaxed. I was almost embarrassed when I had nothing of substance to share nearly 30 minutes before we would normally finish, but this opened the floor for casual conversation and laughter.

At 7, there was a knock on the door. When I opened it, one of the seniors in the chapter asked us to be quieter so they could start their meeting in the next room. We did quiet down but fifteen minutes later there was another knock. When I reopened the door, the chapter was quiet, engaged in yoga they were learning for stress relief, while their advisers were practicing stress relief of our own in friendship and laughter.

Prescription

Tonight I glanced through a book at the library that was billed as a guide to retail therapy. Each page described the different things you should buy when facing a specific crisis. For example, if you hate your job you should buy a new suit or a briefcase to take with you to your next job interview.

I couldn't find a page that told me what to buy to dispel my anxiety and dread over having found the woman to replace me in my current sorority advising role.

I decided on a new copy of my favorite Christmas CD and gifts for three of my best friends.

Overheard

One of the college girls I work with in the sorority chapter:

There's this speaker--I can't pronounce her name. L-O-I-S. How do you pronounce that?

Sometimes for smart girls, they're awfully clueless.

Going for the gold

I've often joked that if sleeping were an Olympic sport, I would be a world champion. That was never truer than today.

I set my alarm to go off at 9. I think it went off and I think I shut it off. I vaguely remember looking at the clock and thinking about how much time I had. Then the phone rang. I startled, and once I rubbed my eyes, I realized that the clock said 12:25 and I'd missed the noon lunch I was looking forward to.

Does Emily Post have an appropriate apology for oversleeping?

Stinging wit

Katy: And we've got a bleeder here.  Don't worry, it's that girl you don’t like.
(Grabs Band-Aid.)
Me: Can you rub salt on that?

Sharing secrets

First, a confession: tonight is the first night in my life that I've come home tasting of beer. I've had sips of beer before, but I never really enjoyed it. But sitting at a bar table, sipping a glass from the pitcher, I realized that I was finally experiencing something that most people first had years ago.

Tonight I was out with one of my sorority sisters and her husband. Like one of Suzanne's recent posts, now I hope that I'll get an invitation from them to spend another evening like the one we had tonight. Her husband looks young but he is smart and sweet--the kind I'm looking to find--and she and I got a chance to learn more about each other and share secrets. Telling stories from college and our lives today, I know that she, her husband and their friends are people that I hope get a chance to know better.

Manic Monday

It is Monday and I'm glad that blueberry yogurt doesn't show up on black pants. Hopefully the whole day won't go this way.

And a joke from my life--how many engineers does it take to fit a sorority composite in my car? Answer: 3!

That's what sisters are for

I rushed into the church only 10 minutes before J's wedding was due to start. I noticed the heavy curtains to my right and hurried between them. There was J surrounded by family and bridesmaids. She looked at me warily and asked what I needed. I smiled, "Nothing. Just came to bring you some handwipes in case you need them. And to see if you still need something blue?"

"Why?" she asked.

"Because I brought this for you," I answered, holding out an earring. The small silver earring, decorated with blue stones, was shaped like our sorority's symbol. Her face lit up in the first genuine smile I'd been honored with in days. She reached out and said, "I want it." And I watched as she pinned a piece of our sisterhood to her wedding gown.

....................................

Walking across the street to the rehearsal for J's wedding on Friday, I called out to the young woman crossing the street in the opposite direction, "Jaime! Jaime!"

The slim girl did a double take when she saw me and rushed across the lanes to grab me in a hug. "Hi, you got your hair cut!"

We spent a few moments catching up and then I excused myself to head into the campus chapel. Jaime asked me to give J her best wishes and then suggested that I call her if I wanted to get together this summer. I smiled, nodded and headed off to help our sister celebrate her wedding.

....................................


If I hadn't accepted that job offer four years ago, and if I hadn't emailed the local sorority chapter soon after I moved here, I wouldn't know the women in that picture with me (right) and I wouldn't know Jaime (that I crossed paths with above). My life would be less rich, less vibrant, and less fun. That's what sisters are for.

Those opportunities don't come along every day

We arrived back at the hotel from the amazing rehearsal dinner about 11pm, the night before BLB's wedding. LS, my sorority sister, roommate and fellow bridesmaid, and I knew we had to be ready to leave the hotel--all bridesmaid accessories in hand--at 7am so we got ready for the next day and then hurried to bed. We had only been in bed for a few minutes when the phone rang.

"Hello," I said--who could be calling our hotel room? Even my mom didn't have that number.
"Hey--is LS there?"
"Yes, but she's sleeping."
"Oh, is this Angie?"
"Yeah."
"This is Owen, the best man. We're downstairs in the bar--come join us."
"Who's us?" I asked.
"The groomsmen. We're playing bocce ball. Come down and join us."
"Look, we're in bed and we have to be up early in the morning. BLB would kill us. We're not coming down."
"Come on--it'll be fun. I'm a fun guy."
"Here--talk to LS."
LS had sat up after I turned on the lamp and was looking curiously at me. After taking out her earplugs, she had been following my side of the conversation and wondered what plans I was turning down. LS could be fierce when she wanted to, so I knew she would tell Owen off. I handed her the phone and she mostly listened--after just a minute or so, she said, "Ok, we'll be down in a few."
"What?" I said. "We're in our pajamas and we have to be up early in the morning."
"Yeah," she replied, "but we're not in college anymore. These opportunities down just come along everyday."
A few minutes later I was downstairs--drinking beer from the groomsmen's glasses, contributing to the noise that got us kicked off the outdoor bocce ball court, dancing with the groom's uncle and warmly laughing at the groom's drunk declarations of love for his absent bride.

LS was right--those opportunities don't come along everyday.

This weekend

Just some random notes from this weekend:

• The weathermen were right. I may not have gotten a lot of snow accumulation, but watching the snow fly parallel to the ground past my bedroom windows convinced me that staying home today was my best plan. Now I'm trying to decide if I want to try to get to work in the morning--a snow day sounds nice!
• My roommate wants to know what to call his weekend away from his 11-week "vacation".
• Wow--I am so attracted to preppies. Patrick Demsey came on-screen in his new series Grey's Anatomy, the newest addition to my TV likes list, wearing corduroy pants and a sweater over a button-down shirt. The cuffs and collar were pulled out, which is already nice, but the real kicker was the little bit of the shirt tails that were pulled out. I'm speechless just thinking about it.
• (Oh, and curse those network programmers--repeating the first couple episodes on Saturday night got me hooked.)
• I got surprised at my annual sorority brunch on Saturday with an award from the local alumnae chapter. They're so sweet. Especially since I was at the president's house on Friday night helping her get ready, and she struggled to keep me from seeing evidence of it.

Serenade

I was serenaded at the meeting tonight:

Well, I wake up in the morning, And the 'larm gives out a warning, And I don't think I'll ever make it on time. By the time I grab my books, And I give myself a look, I'm at the corner, just in time to see the bus fly by. It's all right, 'cos I'm Saved by the Bell.

Ah, the fun of working with 20-year-olds. :)

Anger

I rarely get mad. People tell me that I just let things roll off my back. Generally, I guess that is true. My energy is spent analyzing and evaluating every move I make or even think of making. Maybe I just can't expend the additional energy to analyze what other people are saying to me--at least not in that moment. I certainly can't expend the energy to rage and scream.

I can't think of a time when I have raged. The ways I express my anger typically range from tears to sarcasm to holding myself rigid and shaking while I try to defend myself. But I've been exposed to quite a bit of turmoil and anger recently. The chapter I advise is going through a rough time and some of the women I work most closely with are experiencing the brunt of the negativity (hence my previous post).

Not being familiar with rage or people who rage, I am struggling a bit to figure out how to deal with this. Since I don't rage, I have to believe that there are more effective ways of expressing your feelings. How do you ask someone who needs to let out those feelings to stifle them in favor of communicating another way? Is there a better way to support someone who rages? I've been trying by sending little notes and suggesting that we get together. I understand that it is difficult to be villified for things your position required you to do, but please don't rage. It scares me and I think we can handle it better. Just let me help you.

Taking responsibility

Things people should take personal responsibility for:

• showing up drunk for a sorority ritual
• bringing alcohol to a social event at a restaurant when you're underage
• causing high drama because you're upset you got caught
• not doing your job
• no one reminded you to sign that form
• hurting other people's feelings by not appreciating the work they've done
• being unhappy even when we're trying to make you happy

I don't care that:

• you forgot
• you forgot
• you're upset
• you're busy
• you forgot
• you have your own commitments
• we're not mind readers

The Replacements

I was just finishing my freshman year and wondering where my place in the sorority was. I had never contemplated quitting, but at sorority functions I felt as I so often do--like a silent observer of the life going on around me.

Come May I attended our "Senior Sendoff" because it was mandatory. I was waiting quietly, expecting to be shut out of the regifting, when Pam called out my name. She declared me to be her "rush crush" and gave me her "Show us your Speedos" philanthropy shirt--one of the shirts which narrowly escaped being pinked recently. Thankfully.

Because there are just some things you can't replace.

Last night

I met three men yesterday.

I volunteered at an engineering event in the morning for the Girl Scouts. While there were Girl Scouts in attendence, it was mostly high school (male) competitors, and engineers who were there to run/attend the event. One of the men attending spent a great deal of time talking to me and filled out the scavenger hunt the Girl Scouts were using, going so far as to ask me to grade the results for him. I really enjoyed meeting him and I hope he'll call/email me.

Then, in the evening, I had a sorority event to chaperone. The other chaperone brought a co-worker of hers for me to meet/be set up with. After spending a long evening with him, he certainly seemed nice, but not really "my type". Plus, he has a kid. I've never dated anyone with a kid and don't have any interest in it, but I'm going to meet him for coffee just to see. He's obviously interested in me, which is flattering, but I can already feel myself pulling away from his attentions. But let's put those questions away for another day...

I dreamt that I woke up this morning with T in bed with me. He met my roommate, we went for brunch, and it appeared he was flirting with the waitress. She asked if he wanted her number and he said, "No, I'm with her (gesturing to me) for now." Even if my dreams I can't make our relationship last. But he took my arm and we walked away--and I woke up with a smile on my face.

Then he called tonight. It was good to hear his voice, but he is still happy with Kathy and I'm still jealous. I wish I could pinpoint why. But for now I'm just tired--and hoping for a deep and dreamless sleep.

This is why I do it

I spent the weekend at my regional sorority seminar with four officers from the chapter I advise. It was a great weekend--I got to know these officers better and got to connect with other sorority sisters from the west and northwest.

As we were flying home, I suggested to the president that she create an opportunity when the officers who attended could share what they learned with the chapter so they would understand why the chapter paid to send them. So last night at their weekly chapter meeting, the president yielded the floor to one of the officers who attended, TT, by explaining that she was one of the four officers who had been at this seminar. TT said:

One of the best things about this weekend was getting to meet girls from other chapters. We were sitting with some girls from Nevada, who told us their advisers weren't around and didn't really help them much. They pointed to Angie and asked, 'Does she work at international headquarters?' One of the things we learned this weekend is what a great adviser we have. So, to recognize that she knows, like, everything about the sorority, we made her the 'Sorority Encyclopedia' award.

/Blush and grin./

This could be a long year

Picture almost 20 women ranging in age from 18 to 21 sitting in a lopsided circle in a large living room. The new chapter president, the woman leading the meeting, starts an interesting icebreaker to open the meeting. I was encouraged about her intentions until she added the caveat that once you received the ball (permission to speak), you had to make up a nickname for the woman who threw the ball to you. Her giggles that accompanied this suggestion began to concern me, but I wasn't truly alarmed until she said that these names would be their "super secret leader names" which couldn't be shared with anyone outside the room and that these names would be used when roll was called for the rest of the year. This appears not to have been an idle threat--she wrote down all the names, went over them with the group, and solicited names for members who weren't present. Oh, and she referred to the secrecy of these names as they brainstormed ideas for their values/behavior contracts.

Maybe since December I became too old to work with college-age women, but I'm beginning to think this may be a long year.