Thursday, September 16, 2004

Update: Am I too close?

As you may have read below, I was already having a bad day when it came to how I felt about my sorority committment. Then I ended up stopping by the sorority house tonight just on a whim. When I walked in I heard one of the other advisers downstairs explaining a point to someone--she was obviously frustrated with the conclusion that I had come to with one of our regional team members but she was towing the company line, so to speak. I lingered upstairs for a few minutes before heading downstairs. As I started down the stairs, I heard her very passionately telling someone how I told the advisory team that I was going to work on releasing control and letting them do their jobs this year but I continued to send her emails to her advisees and merely copy her.

As I went down the last few steps, I heard that chapter member begin to agree with her adviser. I walked towards them, somewhat in shock, and said, "Hi." They looked up, surprised and dismayed to see me. The adviser tried to rehab the situation by telling her advisee a positive story about the way I directed a question to her today. But the damage to me was done.

You would think that I would be angry with her. I don't think that complaining about me to her advisee was appropriate--but I'm not angry with her. I'm upset because I can't fix anything if people don't let me know there is a problem. But mostly I'm hurt. I'm hurt that a chapter member would have these problems with me when all I do is give my limited time and energy to make her chapter better. And I'm hurt because my friend obviously has an issue with me that she hasn't expressed to me personally.

She called me after she left the sorority house. I did get a horrible sense of satisfaction when she told me that the chapter members present when I walked in were terrified I would be upset with them. And to some extent I understand her explanation, that she was explaining to them that the advisory team was trying to work better together and that we were trying to change things.

But there is a difference between criticizing myself and having others criticize me. I realize my faults, for the most part, and I try to be open about them. But I hate it when others criticize me or when I feel they're judging me. My self-esteem isn't in the greatest place right now to start with. And I can't work to fix something if I feel others are watching me try--I feel too exposed that I might fail.

I finally said it out loud to T tonight--I'm thinking of resigning at the end of the year.

I hope my friend forgives me for airing this here.



Post a Comment

<< Home

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.