Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Another story

When I was on the phone with T last night, he told me a story that I don't remember ever hearing before--about a girl he was dating and how she waited until the LAST POSSIBLE (his emphasis) second to tell him that she was a virgin. He was using this anecdote as an example of how this girlfriend was not very straight-forward and how communication was poor between them, but that isn't what has stuck with me.

I took the girl's side in this conversation. I don't agree with waiting that long to tell someone, but I can certainly understand her reluctance to tell him. T made a good point that if you are going to have s*x with someone, that you should be able to tell them anything, and I completely agree. But I think that the older a woman gets, the more noteworthy a prospective partner would find her virginity and the more pressure he would feel. If you've waited long past the average these days, your partner may make assumptions about you--your beliefs or how you feel about him--when he finds out that he is to be your first. Perhaps those assumptions are correct or you don't mind having them made about you, but if you've chosen this man and this moment simply because it is the right time for you, maybe you don't want those assumptions made. So is it okay to wait to share that information or not to share it at all? I don't know.

Another perspective: (Check out the link--the show sounds like fun!)

Em & Lo's Sex Ed for Grown Ups: "you should note that a self-imposed bout of celibacy, especially one initiated for your particular reasons, can have its own downsides. Like virgins who are postponing sex until they find the perfect partner with whom to 'share their gift,' you run the risk of overbilling the big event. With every passing year that said virgin waits to have sex, the stakes are raised and thus the more perfect that perfect partner needs to be. In fact, no one can be that perfect, and suddenly our virgin is forty and has never been kissed. While we applaud your decision to take sex a little more seriously, we would hate to see you build it up to be this monolithic, mythical thing. Even if you think you've eventually found someone to connect with on all fundamental levels, you won't be able to connect with him on all levels. Also, knighting him as The Worthy One puts a lot of pressure on him and on the relationship to meet your hyper-high expectations. With any relationship, there are bound to be at least a few disappointments. Waiting to have sex until you feel totally comfortable may help decrease the potential disappointments, but it will never get rid of them completely. And don't forget that sex is just another 'fundamental level' you need to connect on. "



At 8:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a 40-year-old (going on 41-year-old) heterosexual virgin, I have to say that I never really thought of it as "sharing your gift." I always just thought of the whole issue as not wanting anybody but whoever I married to be the only one to have had certain privileges with my person.....

At this point, I've kissed enough guys to know that when the guy doesn't treat you like you are special and worthy of respect, whatever you do with him isn't going to make any difference. He's going to want to be around more if he thinks he's likely to score, but it isn't going to change his fundamental opinion of you.

IMHO - for what it's worth! :) Good topic, though. Thanks!!


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