Security blanket

I clutch the tattered pieces of my pain around me like a blanket, unable to let go because they are the only thing I have left. Once I let go of them, our relationship is truly over.

I wrote those words after PJ broke up with me. Tonight as he referred to our breakup, I didn't feel any pain. I thought I had let go of that blanket finally--until his words sunk in.

"You look back and there are things that at 26 you would do differently then you did at 19."

A tiny spark of hope lights in my chest for the reconciliation that I know is impossible. Words rush out of my mouth as I try to smother that spark, deny what it means. I tell him I understand what he did, I agree with it, we should be able to talk about it--and yet I don't tell him that despite my professed agreement with the decision he made, that hearing his voice makes me want him to reconsider that decision, to wrap me once more in the blanket of his love.