Wednesday, August 18, 2004

That's what friends are for

I'm sure that this isn't a best idea--posting while I'm still smarting from my most recent phone call--but I have a talent for rationalizing things while it is dark outside.

Two weeks ago he told me that he only cares for me as a friend. Since then, I've tried to pull back from him. I didn't talk to him all weekend and I ignored him when he called last night. I didn't pick up the first time he called tonight either. But the second time I thought it wouldn't be a long call and that it could just be friendly. But are these things friends say to one another?
  • it has been too long since he's been laid
  • that he doesn't expect anything to change about that tonight while I'm 1000+ miles away
  • if I pledge to support him in a bike race that he'll owe me a favor (and yes, he later specified sexual)
  • if I want to move to somewhere with a great view, he knows of somewhere with a 6'6" mountain that I can be close to

And I proved once again that I'm a coward. I didn't call him on any of these statements. In fact, mostly I laughed and flirted along. When he told me that it had been too long since he was laid, I said, "Telling me won't change a darn thing." That's when he told me that he didn't expect it to change tonight while we were on the phone three states apart. But if we're just friends, that can't change at all. As A told me, "Women can't be friends with benefits. Only men can separate their emotions that way." And I'm so confused. Tonight he reminds me that I'm the only one who knows that he feels certain acts, including just sleeping together, are more intimate than sex. How can I be in on that; how can he have shared with me that at one time he knew he loved me since he met me; how can he have casually mentioned that he loved me and then tell me he just cares about me as a friend?



At 7:04 AM, Blogger zombieswan said...

Oh, that sounds terrible. Such a devestating breakup. I was never good at all at being "friends" with an ex. I know people who are, I just don't get it.

At 8:38 PM, Blogger jordanna said...

He told you that because he didn't want to have to work on the part that involves love. It's easier to have a fren that you sleep with than a lover. Less work.
At least that's been my experience.
The part that gets me is that they still call...

At 10:14 PM, Blogger Angie said...

Jordanna and Kim - thanks for your thoughts. Jordanna--I think you may be right. I've hurt him many times in the past and it has to be easier and less risky for him to keep me at arms length. (I'm always surprised at the revelations I have while I'm writing. :) ) But he keeps calling and I continue to be confused and vunerable...


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