That friend

She's right, you know. Somehow she's always understood me even better than I've understood myself. She offers me a perspective I wouldn't have seen without her and when she tells me what I should do, she's illuminating the way to being someone I've always wanted to be--her.

The fact she thinks that I can do better, that she thinks my search for chemistry is doomed, makes me wonder how I should tell him I'd rather be friends. The fact that we never talk about our past and that I keep the subject away from what our relationship is these days and how I feel about him could be another nail in this coffin. Or perhaps it shows the way to find what I'm looking for.

What's right for her isn't right for me. And how can she really understand when we only talk once a year, despite the intensity of our college friendship? So that leaves the question--do I live like her to try and be more like her?

That's what friends are for

I'm sure that this isn't a best idea--posting while I'm still smarting from my most recent phone call--but I have a talent for rationalizing things while it is dark outside.

Two weeks ago he told me that he only cares for me as a friend. Since then, I've tried to pull back from him. I didn't talk to him all weekend and I ignored him when he called last night. I didn't pick up the first time he called tonight either. But the second time I thought it wouldn't be a long call and that it could just be friendly. But are these things friends say to one another?

• it has been too long since he's been laid
• that he doesn't expect anything to change about that tonight while I'm 1000+ miles away
• if I pledge to support him in a bike race that he'll owe me a favor (and yes, he later specified sexual)
• if I want to move to somewhere with a great view, he knows of somewhere with a 6'6" mountain that I can be close to

And I proved once again that I'm a coward. I didn't call him on any of these statements. In fact, mostly I laughed and flirted along. When he told me that it had been too long since he was laid, I said, "Telling me won't change a darn thing." That's when he told me that he didn't expect it to change tonight while we were on the phone three states apart. But if we're just friends, that can't change at all. As A told me, "Women can't be friends with benefits. Only men can separate their emotions that way." And I'm so confused. Tonight he reminds me that I'm the only one who knows that he feels certain acts, including just sleeping together, are more intimate than sex. How can I be in on that; how can he have shared with me that at one time he knew he loved me since he met me; how can he have casually mentioned that he loved me and then tell me he just cares about me as a friend?