Monday, February 15, 2010

Snapping turtles

I feel very snappish these days and it is very uncharacteristic for me.  When someone asks me a question, I realize that the tone of my answer is often condescending.  Or when someone asks me if I've done something, my newest reply is "Don't nag me."  I don't like this change. 
I can think of only one other time when I noticed this about myself.  I've often thought of that weekend as the one time in my life when I was truly bitchy.  And the causes that weekend were obvious to me - it was a highly emotional time, seeing a close friend get married, and between the bridesmaid duties and rooming with my best friend, I had no time to process or breathe.  I know I'm an introvert and that weekend is just one more piece of proof.
So I guess the first question I should ask myself is if I'm getting any time for myself right now.  Not really.  My house is crowded with people and someone is pretty much always around.  Often when I'm not home I'm at F's, which is a nice break, but not a place to have space for myself either.  Plus, even now, when I'm alone in a room, I have the weight of three jobs and more committments weighing on me.  My schedule feels so discombobulated that I don't know how I'm going to meet those obligations, and today when my aunt mentioned a friend who had a 5-year play, I inwardly laughed - I don't have a 5-week plan, much less a 5-year plan. 
Earlier this summer when tears were closer to the surface that I liked, I sought therapy.  The first session was a huge cryfest.  Talking helped but I wasn't there long enough to feel like any changes stuck beyond our 1 hour together each week.   I guess I could seek therapy again - although I'm not sure when I would fit it in - and I'm afraid of what might come out of it.  I'm looking for a map to get through this rocky patch, but I'm not sure I like the choices I might have to make or the work it will take to move on from here. 

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