Growing younger

Maybe I'm going about this whole relationship thing backwards...

I never had a boyfriend in high school that was my age. The men I flirted with and dated were then the age that I am now. I avoided tentative kisses on the back porch and the other moves of a young partner. I learned about relationships from teachers instead of other students.

I feel that I failed when it was my turn to be the teacher and since that failure I've avoided that role. But now I find myself in a relationship that started with hesitant kisses by the back door and I wonder if I've entered my first high school relationship.

The other night I inadvertently revealed this concern; as we drove away from the other cars parked along neighborhood's edge, he remarked that it would be nice when we had more space to ourselves than just our cars. I laughed and said that high school students had been doing it since the invention of cars.

Wedding dresses

Trying to find a dress for my ex-boyfriend's wedding:

First attempt--dress ordered off and returned to internet: $52 - $48 = $7

Second attempt--casual wrap dress still hanging in my closet waiting for a more casual summer outing: $42

Last dress--finally found it!: $148

Hearing his new wife tell me, "You look beautiful!": Priceless

I feel rain

The rainy weather recently reminds me of our last morning together.

I woke up almost cold on the unfamiliar side of my bed with you as far from me as we could get in one bed. The mood between us never warmed up because I couldn't speak that day.

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Do you remember that night? You called me and called me. I was sick and for the first time wouldn't pick up the phone when I knew you were on the other end. I heard your voice from the answering machine in the next room and just buried my head in my pillow. "I'm sick," I said to myself. "It's okay not to answer the phone because I'm sick. I have to take care of myself."

I finally listened to the messages you left a couple days later. You ended the last one with, "I love you, Angie." The only time I would ever you hear say those words was through a tinny answering machine speaker.

I didn't know how to reply to that message. Maybe you knew. Is that why you called me at the office? I couldn't have been more surprised than when you told me you were coming out to visit. You said we'd talk about that message when you saw me.

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I should have told you why I couldn't speak that day, but I couldn't squeeze any words past the lump in my throat. I was waiting for you to tell me if you loved me. I didn't ask. I guess I could have started the conversation, but I was waiting for you.

Our drive to the airport through the rain capped off that long, cold, silent day. That's why the recent rainy weather reminds me of you.