Good samaritan

Me: Did you hear about how Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes stopped on the way home the other night to help the victims of a hit and run accident and stayed until the police and ambulance arrived?

My brother: Yeah, Tom was probably trying to convert them to Scientology. 'I think I've got some pamphlets in the car,' then Katie whispers, 'Help me! Call Dawson!'

Semantics

Me: ...we're following the directions from their website and turn left where the road appears to fork. But within a block we realize that we're not on the right road.

Secretary: It was fake fork?

Me: Yep... wait, does that make it a spork?

Glossary

honey wagons = sewer septic pump trucks
Seriously, where do they come up with these terms?

Modern American warfare

Coworker 1: So are these care packages for the troops?
Coworker 2: No, we're sending the terrorists cookies.
Coworker 3: Yeah, spiked with poison.
Me: No, spiked with Prozak.