This is just a test

Do you ever wonder if one of your coworkers is testing you?

This morning I was "on" a conference call with one of my superiors. As he dialed to gather the participants, I went to alert the receptionist that we were waiting for a call from one other attendee. A moment after I returned, the additional attendee called in and my coworker began to discuss the business for the call--still holding the phone to his ear. I sat there dumbfounded for a moment before I began to frantically scribble notes from his side of the call--the only part of the conversation I could hear. I was still watching him intently, mulling over how to discreetly suggest he put the phone on speaker, when the call ended just a few minutes later.

After the call ended, I went over my notes with him to be sure I correctly understood everything. I will admit I am somewhat intimidated by this intense individual, so I didn't even say directly that I needed to check the call notes because I couldn't hear the other side of the conversation. And I kept wondering to myself if he was testing me--trying to see if I would stick up for myself.

If he was, I failed.

Loss of confidence

I had a job interview this afternoon. I spent two hours beforehand laying facedown on my bed, paralyzed to move. This is going to sound crazy, but I wasn't nervous about the interview. I was terrified that they would offer me the job.

I'm afraid that a company will offer me a job because I am afraid that I'm not a good employee. While I'm not the most technically skilled "angineer" out there, I feel like I can hold my own professionally at a certain level. Unfortunately I give the appearance to my coworkers that I don't care because I'm not responsible enough to be on time in the morning. Also, I devote too much time and energy during the work day to the other causes that I love--particularly when I'm feeling insecure about about my professional skills.

The good news is that the interview went well today. The other good news is that they won't make a decision until early next week. Maybe if I sit on my bed long enough, my confidence will return.